11.01.2006

Never Fear! Miss Snark is here for you!

Dear Miss Snark,

I finished my book ten years ago. Then I studied the business practices and vernacular of the publishing industry for nine and a half years. Six months ago I started contacting literary agents. Despite my best efforts the rejections keep piling up.

- One agent said I don’t have a strong enough voice. We haven’t talked on the phone so she couldn’t possibly know that.

- Another agent said the story didn’t draw her in, so I wrote back and reminded her it’s a novel and not a coloring book.

- Somebody requested a partial, but I’ve got full dentures, and even if I had partials I sure as hell wouldn’t send them to a literary agent.

- Then some guy requested an ms, and I reminded him I’m an author, not a damn escort service.

- This one idiot asked me if anybody was reading. I said unless paper books were magically converted into audio books overnight he should assume so.

- Some kinky gal asked me about submissions but I told her I’m not into S&M.

- Another woman said my book might be a hard sell. Why point out the obvious? I worked hard so it would be easy to sell.

- Some woman said she didn’t have enough enthusiasm for my work. I told her to get a good night’s sleep, have a cup of coffee, and read it again.

- Then I really freaked out when some guy said something about a query, because I’m a heterosexual.

To be honest I’m getting pretty frustrated. Why do you suppose these agents are being so unprofessional?


There IS an agent, just for you. Someone who feels your pain at being excluded from the fraternity, who understands the despair of rejection for no good reason, who sympathizes deeply with your need for self expression. Best thing is...she's available! Click here.

Don't forget to send me a crisp twenty dollar bill for the referral. You don't think agents work for free now do you?

24 comments:

Jen said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!

Dragonet2 said...

I'm sooooo glad I did not have liquid in my mouth.

Touché.

McKoala said...

Just beautiful - question and answer!

Kim said...

Ok - I've been reading this blog too long... I just KNEW where this was going!

Thanks for the laugh - after the day from hell I had, it was sooooooo needed!

Anonymous said...

Was this person for real?

furiosity said...

That's a pretty clever troll.

Dave said...

I can sleep soundly tonight knowing all of this.

Mez said...

Miss Snark, you should send that person some gin. That's a lovely piece of...I don't know what to label it as, but damn funny.

Well done the author for some witty writting!

(Spelling mistake on purpose, dammit!)

For those who don't get it - lurn 2 reed ;)

Ray Goldensundrop said...

This writer has a bad case of tongue-in-cheek disease. All vital signs are over the top with the morpheme drip turned full.

Metrists agree, administer ten degrees past tee hee.

Caution: keyboard prophylaxis required.

Alley Splat said...

Damn, another keyboard (and this time my work one.)

JB said...

Hey Miss Snark,

Not to get all serious and heavy on you, but do you really think it's a good idea to recommend BBLA to someone on your blog, even in jest? Some poor slob scanning the site might see that "click here" and just click. The snarkolytes know better, but maybe not the newbee who just found your blog today.

Miss Snark said...

this is the kind of caution that leads to "do not use this as a hairdryer" on 1000 watt paint remover blow torches. And "do not set on uneven ground" on ladders.

Anyone who reads this post and thinks it's NOT tongue in cheek is a beyond-help nitwit.

Besides, if Barbara Bauer, one of the 20 Worst Agents, closes up shop, how can we ever have another Red Letter Day writing contest???

Anonymous said...

Everyone seems to think this is some sort of joke, but I've had a similar experience.

According to her underling who deigned to speak to me on the phone, an editor at a reputable publishing house I've sent my manuscript to forwarded it to, quote, "one of her first readers" for evaluation. Now I may not be very smart, but even I understand that this can only mean one of two things:

EITHER she is using submissions to teach school children to read and makes her decisions on which books the kids found easiest,

OR she's sending them to one of the few people who have read a book she's edited -- apparently she can count them on one hand?!?

Her "assistant" didn't say which.

In any case, it goes without saying that I pulled my manuscript immediately. I'm afraid that I yelled at the person I had on the phone, but I mean geez, seriously?!?

Nick said...

Why bother stopping at Barbara Bauer? He could just send the manuscript directly to PublishAmerica...

-Nick

jb said...

Fair Enough. You can't always stop stupid. Some people just have to touch the stove to see if it really is as hot as everybody says it is.

GutterBall said...

You know, I got a candle on a trivet for my birthday once. A block paragraph of nearly microscopic warnings was printed on the box. A block paragraph!

It's a candle! How much warning do you need?? This was stuff like "Do not place lit candle near drapes, curtains, or hanging fabrics" and "Do not touch flame or hot wick". Geez, mon!

writtenwyrdd said...

The human Will To Be Stupid is a stronger force of nature than we can possibly overcome.

And more o fmy favorite It Won't Help The Stupid warning labels:
1. Caution! Coffee is Hot! on a coffee cup. (It damn well better be!)
2. Not for Human Consumption on a paint can.
3. For external use only. Found on innumerable products. (Gee, I always like to imbibe in a swig of Jergen's Lotion for an aperitif. Yum!)

Anonymous said...

holy cow! I didn't realize BB herself is located just in my area..! She appears to be one of my good friend's neighbors.. Yikes. You really never know what is moving into the neighborhood, do you!?

Tish

Rashenbo said...

LOL!!!

It's funny.. It's sad... It's true...

Anonymous said...

Miss Snark,

You are in such fine form!

Thank you for this wonderful blog.

merlinsmuse said...

Stepping out from lurkdom to comment.

This is hilarious. I laughed so hard that I could hardly even read it to my husband, who I am sure just doesn't get my sense of humour at the best of times. T

Thanks for the break in an otherwise not so great day.

Cathy

magz said...

As the Beloved Snarkoon know..
Some learn by listening/watching/reading
A very few learn by thinking.

All others must pee on the electric fence at least once.

(This was funny! Kudos to AuthorPerson!)

Anonymous said...

The link was just what I needed. I was feeling very low after a rejection from my "dream agent" when I stumbled on this post.

After clicking on Bawbwa Bowa's website, I can't stop giggling.

Holy F----ing Sh-t! Is there any way anyone would fall for that?! It's so wonderfully absurd . . . and so deliciously embarrassing!

katiek said...

I thought it was ESL, written with studied perfection, but the subtleties...?

PS Don't mention the gin, he'll likely think it's a card game. What a waste.

(nb. sorry if this double posted... page crapped out)