Dear Miss Snark,
I finished my book ten years ago. Then I studied the business practices and vernacular of the publishing industry for nine and a half years. Six months ago I started contacting literary agents. Despite my best efforts the rejections keep piling up.
- One agent said I don’t have a strong enough voice. We haven’t talked on the phone so she couldn’t possibly know that.
- Another agent said the story didn’t draw her in, so I wrote back and reminded her it’s a novel and not a coloring book.
- Somebody requested a partial, but I’ve got full dentures, and even if I had partials I sure as hell wouldn’t send them to a literary agent.
- Then some guy requested an ms, and I reminded him I’m an author, not a damn escort service.
- This one idiot asked me if anybody was reading. I said unless paper books were magically converted into audio books overnight he should assume so.
- Some kinky gal asked me about submissions but I told her I’m not into S&M.
- Another woman said my book might be a hard sell. Why point out the obvious? I worked hard so it would be easy to sell.
- Some woman said she didn’t have enough enthusiasm for my work. I told her to get a good night’s sleep, have a cup of coffee, and read it again.
- Then I really freaked out when some guy said something about a query, because I’m a heterosexual.
To be honest I’m getting pretty frustrated. Why do you suppose these agents are being so unprofessional?
There IS an agent, just for you. Someone who feels your pain at being excluded from the fraternity, who understands the despair of rejection for no good reason, who sympathizes deeply with your need for self expression. Best thing is...she's available! Click here.
Don't forget to send me a crisp twenty dollar bill for the referral. You don't think agents work for free now do you?