We're redecorating here at Snark Central and we need a new form rejection letter.
Here's what we've got so far:
1. Hey Sport, I had a ball reading your query. I'm sorry it's more suitable to the offensive line than the library. Other agents, other opinions, Go Homeys!
2. Dear Writer, and I use the term loosely, Command of the English language is one of the first requirements of novel writing. Or "righting" as you so deftly phrase it. Right on, just not to me.
3. Dear Prisoner X, Yes I do agree there is a conspiracy to keep your story from being told. Did you know I'm one of the conspirators? I've destroyed your query letter and told everyone I know you are a loon. It's all part of my cabal's secret plan to dominate the ... but you already know that don't you.
4. Dear Queerier, Yes I think it's a sad comment on American literature today that more attention isn't paid to the letter Q. Your novel Q is for Queen is sure to rectify that. I have no qualms however in passing on your query because I mind both my P's and my Q's.
5. Dear Writer, Thanks for your query. We have to turn down a lot of good work. Thankfully that wasn't the case here.
6. Dear Writer, There was a crisp twenty dollar bill waiting for you here as our daily winner! Sadly, no SASE, and no contact info other than an email and phone number. Sorry!
7. Dear Mr. Snake, Your memoir makes it sound like you alone invented pain and suffering and forced the downfall of mankind. We don't handle melodrama or hyperbole. Better luck elsewhere.
8. Dear Mr Reacher, Being nominated for the Million Writers Award meant you sent your name and story in. You've also been nominated for my rejection list. Congratulations. This time you WIN.
9. Dear Writer, Yes, I agree there is a lot of crap being published these days. I'm sorry yours won't be any of it.
and...your chance to be immortalized!
Post your contribution for consideration for the new form rejection letter by ...oh hell, any time. I just throw the queries away after I steam off the stamps.