Red Letter Day Writing Contest Results

Outstanding achievement in additions to the Snark Lexicon
#4 General Mayhem
#5 Burkina Faso takeout
#45Mmalevolent Fund

Achievement in imagery!
#35 The sky was a sloppy Picasso
#47 Rent-A- Mourners

Best Nod to the Bard!

Best Nod to the King!

Entries that transcended the contest tomfoolery

Achievement in creating an entry with a complete narrative arc

Achievement in Fantasy Romance

Best innovative use of blog jokes
#38-"stilettos reflected the fire from her hair"
#10-beverage alerts

Outstanding Achievement in Song: #39
closely closely followed by #36
and an honorable mention to #8

extraordinary achievement in mixed media: #50

And the Snarkovian choice for the Red Letter Day Writing Contest:


(which also won for best song and is reprinted here)

The Battle Hymn of the Snarks

Mine eyes have seen the blogging of the one they call the Snark,
I’ve read her in the morning, I've read her in the dark,
I know she keeps a Yapper, tho’ I've never heard him bark,
Her truth it keeps us strong.

Will we, will we ever publish?
Will we, will we ever publish?
Miss Snark, she keeps us strong.

She is dressed in glorious colors like a heav'ly armed dragoon,
Using only crispest verbage she is ready to harpoon
The very latest nitwit, or a scammer she'll impugn,
Her blog is marching on.

I’ve read her fiery gospels ‘gainst the evil enterprise
Of paying to be published, which is very ill-advised,
We know she is our champion, though we often agonize
It’s taking way too long…

Her cabal has spawned a fan club ‘tho some fear it is a cult,
We pledge undying homage if we publish as result,
We vilify the Baur, but in Snark we do exult,
Her truth it keeps us strong.

She sends us off to gall’ries, we consider notes of Strauss,
She helps us keep clear-headed, her thoughts we do espouse,
We feel we’ve got some friends, although we rarely leave the house…
Her blog it keeps us strong.

We’d gladly pay retainer if she’d only take us on,
We’re convinced we could be famous, the world has got us wrong,
We take our clue gun hits because her tough love makes us strong,
Her truth keeps marching on.


Bernita said...

Was particularly delighted with the rhyme of "dragoon" with "impugn."

But you were all - without exception - disgustingly clever.

Termagant 2 said...

Yay! All entries rocked. Particularly the one with the attempt at a graphic of the Crouching Snark/Hidden Dragoon. Shouldn't there be an Honorable Mention for this, Miss S?

I missed the whole smash due to trick or treating, but kudos to the entrants. You rock.


Ryan Field said...

I'm glad I read this after You-Tube and the towel was still in place.

Kim Stagliano said...

Congratulations, winners in all categories! This was great fun and I enjoyed reading and watching everyone's posts. Thanks for the Halloween Treat Miss Snark.


pjm said...

Good job to all you entered! Good job to Miss Snark for judging the entries.

Now, how the hell do I get the Jeopardy! theme song out of my head?

Anonymous said...

A worthy champion, no doubt!

Kate Thornton said...

Excellent entries - best song I've seen in decades. Thanks, Miss Snark, for the fun start to this morning!

Sam said...

HUGE round of applause!!

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Great choice for winner - I was singing the song in my head for hours.

Word Nerd said...

That song is too funny. I just know I'll be sitting in an upcoming meeting humming the Battle Hymn now...

rabs said...

I'm very impressed. :)

~Nancy said...

Although I haven't read all the entries, the ones I did were hilarious!

Kudos to all those who sent stuff in - the ones I've managed to read so far were all quite clever.

And my late morning is ending on a high, fun note. Thanks, Miss Snarks and "entrants." (Will ever get the Battle Hymn out of my mind, esp. with the new lyrics therein? Doubtful, doubtful.)


MDavis said...

I know, really. I especially admire the use of 19th century syntax in that song. Wow!

KC said...

The Battle Hymn of the Snarks deserves it's lofty position as the winner among winners. It is just too perfect (and I mean that in a good way!) From now on, whenever two or more Snarklings gather, let them sing it out loud and proud.

Number 39, thank you for giving us our anthem!

skybluepinkrose said...

My favorite line:

We feel we've got some friends although we rarely leave the house.

Great job.

yossarian said...

The winning entry is brilliant!

Extra points for the rhyme of dragoon/harpoon/impugn.

Victoria Strauss said...

Ah, what dragoonish crispness...to be immortalized in Snarkling prose! With enterprise, I summon the cabal to witness this wonder.


Your retainer,


M. G. Tarquini said...

There were a LOT of great entries here. Tons of them. Talented group. Thanks everybody. I know this was a lot of work, but the laughs were well worth it. Congrats on the anthem, #39. It had me humming.

overdog said...

Bravo to all!

I'm with skybluepinkrose. I love that line, because [I] feel [I've] got some friends (Snarklings), although [I] rarely leave the house.

Unfortunately, I must leave the house today to add to my Malevolent Fund. Not going to forget that one, either.

MaryAnnTheRest said...

All these entries are great! The anthem rhythym and tone--how do you write something like that so quickly? I like the enterprise/ill-advised/agonize rhyme.

I was hoping that an imagery special mention would go to "the ghost of James Kirk sleepwalking through the galaxy."

Alley Splat said...

Brilliant, especially the Battle hymn. Going to be singing that for days!

Maya said...

I'm so pleased "The Battle Hymn of the Snarks" won. It is too clever by half. The prize is richly deserved.

[Applauding that entry and all the others, which provided a lot of giggles]

Anne said...

I'm deeply impressed by the creativity of the entries. You're all brilliant.

shelby said...

Great job everyone! I loved reading all of the entries, but the Battle Hymn was sheer brilliance. Beyond brilliance, actually. Talk about letter perfect--right on meter too (the place where many a writer takes a stumble).

"rarely leave the house" was my favorite line.

Miss Snark, you absolutely must immortalize this poem and link it on the right hand side of your blog.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

I would have a hard time picking a winner out of this bunch. There is a lot of talent here.

Hi Victoria! I love The Burning Land, and I appreciate your willingness to help clueless writers such as myself.

I wouldn't let Bill E. Goat send his entry. It was too close to Goat pornography to pass though my virginal computer. He's sulking.

I also didn't want to be sued by any eighth-rate agents it might have offended. It was colorful though, and interesting. Very interesting. I didn't know goats had that kind of imagination, and I did NOT know that there were any goats on Yipsylon Taga 7 or any of it's moons. . . .

If goats could type and spell well, they'd dominate the literary porn market. They'd be the hidden dragoons of the publishing world, and agents of less than sterling reputation would be clamoring to represent them.

I personally think that any publishing enterprise based on Goat-porn is doomed, even if they disguise what they published as a critique of Strauss waltzes or as interplanetary fantasy.

I just don't see Captain Horn E. Goat of Inter-planetary Creature Enforcement and his retainer and best girlfriend Ara'brab as viable characters. For one thing, Ara'brab doesn't play well outside of Newark. Certainly Ara'brab isn't a type one would find in normal and sane life. Even if she likes goats, her personality is just a bit under the top.

But goat-authors have their own views on characterization. They don't take criticism well.

They are amenable to criticism only if it's accompanied with a bribe of crisp lettuce or dried leaves.

Bill E. tells me that he's forming an association for like-minded goat authors. This cabal of caperine authors has set their little high-temperature hearts on becoming a new force in the publishing world. Frankly, I see anything they manage to get into print as serving the birdcage industry, but that's just my opinion.

Good job on the stories, poems, songs and such. This was very entertaining.

tinkerbell said...

EXCELLENTAY! It scans, too! :) A deserving winner, I'd say :)

La Reine Snark - soz I didn't enter. I've cracked off 6K on book two this week and am now completely burnt out. (I'm not boasting, honest. My brain hurts.) Oh what fun it is being a writer :S

McKoala said...

These were all great - congrats to #39 and all the other winners - and thanks to Miss Snark for more fun.

Termagant 2 said...

So, Sha'el, lemme get this straight: would Bill E's cabal be known as the Cabra Cabal?

Inquiring minds must know...


Anonymous said...

#39 is a masterpiece. one good line after another and it builds so beautifully!

"We feel we've got some friends although we rarely leave the house."


I think you need your manuscript read by queen Snark immediately.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

They're going to call it the ABRA (Association of Brave Riters Afterall.) You must remember they're goats and can't spell very well. English is their second language. With that in mind, ABRA makes perfect sense.

They will be part of The CAD group (Caprines Against Discrimination) which in turn is part of the AVRA (Association of Very Rite Animals). That makes them the ABRACADAVRAs.