HH 27

The government is watching you. There's no point in glancing around for the cameras though, you won't see them. They don't need them. They're using psi techniques like remote viewing.

Don't believe it? Neither did Elizabeth Cunningham, until she discovered records of her
father's secret work. Now she fears that her parents' recent fatal automobile accident may have been caused by sabotage. Her father willed her an old urban brownstone building, along with a special codicil telling her she must move in and, "discover the truth". What truth?

Liz realizes nothing she was certain of is true. Her family was not the strong, loyal unit she thought she knew. Her best friends have been hiding things from her. Dirty politics, the CIA, and giant corporate interests could put her life in danger. Her beliefs will be assaulted even more when she has an encounter with a ghost, a mysterious Tarot reading, and learns about her father's connections to the paranormal.

Cut out the last paragraph or re work it and you've got a fairly decent hook.
Our first winner.


Anonymous said...


Rei said...

I don't quite get why this is a winner. It seems no less vague than most of the others here, and, if anything, seems to do less to build up the MC's character than most of the hooks here.

Since it "made the cut", I hope Miss Snark elaborates on why. It would be educational.

Anonymous said...

Is it normal to have two CoM stories where a mysterious father/parent works for the CIA, and the child protagaonist is then willed the heir to a house that contains a secret?

This sounds like the hook for the first page from the preceding submission. Both well done, in my opinion.


HawkOwl said...

I agree that the hook is skillful, but the concept is very two years ago. I don't think mixing the "conspiracy theory" canned plot with the "woman inherits mysterious building from secretive ancestor" canned plot spices either of them up.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to finally see a winning example, as I was a bit confused as to what Miss Snark was after. A lot of the hooks so far seemed better to me than they apparently did to her.

This is definitely hookier than the synopsis-style stuff we've seen. I begin to see what Miss Snark is after.

Too bad that it's too late for me to do anything about it. :-(

Wabi Sabi said...

This flowed. It was 'clean' and I could follow what was going on, without having to thrash my way back through a forest of names and events to check what you'd said before. It's not easy to pull this off.

Tsana said...

Plotwise it sounds similar to books I've read before. That aside, however, it was better presented than the previous hooks. Well done.

Stacia said...

I think it works because the writing is snappy and clear. I like it. I want to read more, too.

Anonymous said...

I must be from a different planet than Miss Snark, because this struck me as boring and cliche.

Anonymous said...

I don't get what's so great about this one either.

Virginia Miss said...

This presents an interesting situation but doesn't give me a clear sense of what she's doing and who she's up against. That must be what Miss Snark meant about cutting or reworking the last paragraph.

I congratulate the author and look forward to reading the first page.

Anonymous said...

To the author: Unqualified congratulations.

To Miss Snark: Isn't this Gayle Lynds' novels about Liz Sansborough? I am forced to agree with some of the previous commenters -- there is no evidence of innovation here. Did you decide, 27 entries in, that the rejection rate was too high? Will you deign to hint us in on the "open sesame" here?


Anonymous said...

Come on: Philip K. Dick did this ("The Minority Report", amongst many others) already 50 years ago.

Hook maybe OK; originality zero.