12.23.2006

HH 388

These three might be lesbians, but he didn't think so. They weren't standing close together enough. He'd never made a study of such things, but the three of them were standing with their arms folded so as not to touch each other; that didn't strike him as lesbian-like. The pretty one on the left had long hair, pulled back in a ponytail, smooth and golden brown, like a dark coffee, mixed half-and-half with rich cream. Unless it was just that young hair is better than old
hair, she must use some of the special hair junk that his wife filled their bathroom with. If his wife could get hair like that from a bottle, he'd gladly give up even more of the shelf space.
She wore the same outfit as the older protesters, but her jeans were more carefully ragged looking, and her T-shirt was new. It had three letters across the front, "WVA". Was that her university, or some other protest thing? The W and the A each curved across the sides of
her breasts, and the V between gave the impression of a deep cleavage. Her breasts were not really all that large, but the T-shirt was fairly tight, and the V made her look quite nicely endowed.

A tap on the truck window brought him back to himself. The inspector was standing with his clipboard, grinning at him. Carlos blushed furiously. He'd been caught staring at a girl that was easily young enough to be his daughter.


This isn't a hook. This is a first page.

I've mentioned why a first page isn't a hook, and why you need a hook in earlier posts.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

:Editor stares. Starts to write a note about "don't end sentences with prepositions" but considers how hung up the writer seems to be about lesbian threesomes.:

"Nah."

:Stuffs it into the return envelope.:

Anonymous said...

How about how hung up the writer is on breasts?

As a woman writer myself... Not Not NOT for me.

Anonymous said...

It was a total turn off having anything about a lesbian in the first line. I'd wait to spring that on your readers. First, hook them into the story.

jamiehall said...

So lesbians can be distinguished from hetereosexual woman because lesbians are always touchy-feely and rubbing up against each other?

Think again.

In America, it is the males who tend to hesitate to touch their friends because they fear being thought homosexual. Women are not burdened with this societal labeling, so they normally touch each other a lot more than male friends do.

I think you are broadly applying a stereotype, and you are furthermore applying it to the wrong gender. You are applying it to females, but from what seems to be a male perspective.

Anonymous said...

This is SO a man's writing. I wouldn't want any teenage daughter of mine around this writer, even if this person argues it's all just creative license and imagination. Yuck.

Anonymous said...

Anonymopus,

I agree. A man's writing. If this is a woman she has a lot to learn about being a woman and what lesbians are like. And what's with old veruss young hair. This sounds like someone with a "thing" (What the hell is a "thing" in that paragraph?) for young women.

xiqay said...

This is the character's POV we're hearing. He's not very likeable, at least to women. But I had the distinct impression that he was the villain, perhaps choosing his next prey, and it gave me the creeps.

I didn' thave a very strong sense of place and that would help. Some protesters out and an "inspector"--and the POV character in a truck.

I didn't think this was bad writing, but as MS says, it's not a hook, so we have no idea what kind of story you're telling and who this POV character is.

If he's your MC, you need to know, we're not going to like him much.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

He can't be a villain, can he? He blushed furiously (possible) because he was caught looking at a girl his daughter's age (inner monologue; what he's really thinking).

I like male-oriented books and protags and read a lot of them, and the boob-obsession didn't throw me (gay men write a lot about penises, too; there's no "throbbing manliness" in a gay novel!). But the lesbian obsession is different.

Either make it funnier (this is just on the verge of being funny, with the line about shelf space), or don't attempt it. I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be meeting a villain or killer or stalker, just a youth-centric middle-aged dude.

Plus, you need a hook so we care. As it is, look how all the female readers made assumptions that might be completely wrong. We project our opinions onto him because we know nothing about him.

Unlike a lot of the hooks, though, I think there just might be a novel to follow that would make me laugh or think or both.