HH 392

On an alternate world, the slave Sachi prays to her goddess for a husband. The fallen angel, empathizing with the young urine collector's dismal future, hopes the High God won't notice a little karmic interference and heads for Earth.

The ruling witches of Sachi's world only want to rid themselves of the injured stranger dumped onto their sacred beach--one whose dark skin looks disturbingly similar to the monsters encamped outside the city walls. However, with their society's future in doubt, they fear angering the High God with an unjustified execution. Assuming he's an agent of evil, they assign their least-valuable slave to attend to his needs and wait for the excuse necessary to dispose of him.

Recently divorced from the woman who trashed his life and left him living in his truck, Matthew soon decides this reality is as good as any. But he discovers that making the pretty cell-mate his wife requires battling his love's owners and winning the trust of the witches by finding a way to defeat the monsters.

Then Sachi reveals the reason these people can't evolve out of the Bronze Age. And why the men on this world are more than content to let their women run everything. It makes the other challenges look easy.

Too many people/gods/demons...characters. Focus.
This is a mess.


Anonymous said...

Urine collector? Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

skybluepinkrose said...

What in blazes is a urine collector?

Leave out of your hook anything that begs for an explanation a hook shouldn't contain. It's awfully hard to get past line 3.

Anonymous said...

I'm really at a loss here. It seems you go from a fantasy novel hook right into a trailer trsh novel hook. Is this a serious hook? If it is, I don't think you're saying what you mean to say.

writtenwyrdd said...

Urine collector? Ew, indeed. I think we need that presented in context. How about calling her "slave" instead?

Not sure what the story is. Most of this seems to be political backstory that has nothing to do with the *shudder* urine collector, Sachi. Also, deus ex machina might be a bad idea, as the god's don't seem to be involved after this one little bit of interference. Unless they have some high purpose of Sachi, I wouldn't buy it, anyhow.

Now, the ending paragraph starts to sound intriguing, but you don't tell me enough. Don't be such a tease, please. Give us some meat with the bones.

I want to like this.

Anonymous said...

:Tired editor:


:Scribbles note on MS to the writer:

Get out of the house. Talk to real people. Read something other than romances & RPG books. "Huckleberry Finn"--try that one for starters.

Inkwolf said...

'Kay, I've got the picture. Urine collector dreams of romance. Sympathetic goddess sneaks someone from our world and dumps him in her lap.

But where do we go from there? This is just an intro...

Anonymous said...

OMG, inkwolf, you've made it all make sense! Thank you!

I rather like having the heroine be a urine collector. Makes for a nice change of pace from all the princesses, journalists, lawyers & such parading through the COM.

Virginia Miss said...

In the first paragraph, are the goddess and the fallen angel one and the same?

redcap said...

If ONE MORE PERSON says "in an alternate world", I'm going to smack them. Upside the head and very, very hard. "Alternate" means "every other", as in, "on alternate weekends, I go to the beach". "Alternative", on the other hand, means "another" or possibly "the one you're having when you're not having this one". Please, please, please, get out your dictionaries!

Oh, and urine collector? Ick!

jamiehall said...

The "urine collector" should be called something else. One assumes that she disposes of poo as well since they generally come in the same chamberpot? "Urine collector" makes me think of someone who collects urine directly from people for drug testing.

Your best chance for writing a good hook is probably in revealing the secret you dangle before us in the last paragraph.

Anonymous said...

Back in the day urine was collected to help dye fabrics, a smelly, but profitable business.

It's still a squick job for the lead. I kept seeing Mel Brooks as the piss boy from History of the World, Part 1 instead of some chick.

littlebirdblue said...

There is precedent for urine collection in sci-fi. DUNE, for example; all bodily fluids were recycled through stillsuits, including urine, and the wearers then drank the resulting recaptured moisture. I'm just saying...


It's all in the presentation.

Twill said...

As a sci fi and fantasy reader, "urine collector" hooked me. It immediately painted a level of technology (way low), a level of verisimilitude (dang high), and a sense of the possibilities inherent in the writer's universe. This is obviously not another pseudo-feudal Europlace lorded over by Roman or Norse gods (yawn).

Sachi's goddess is a fallen angel. The High God is a major priss or some sort.

On the back cover, this would get me to open and read the first few pages.

However, it stopped right where the hook would be. Of course, the hook needs to decide if it's Sachi's story or Matthew's. Then it needs to hide the stuff that character doesn't know, and reveal it in the order it is discovered by that person (or relevant to their side of the hook).

MWT said...

I believe the word you're looking for is "chambermaid."