12.28.2006

HH 509

It was the same dream that awoke Andra suddenly, the same frightening dream of her own death. Sitting straight up, sweating profusely as she had forgotten to turn on the air conditioner in the room. Only this time the dream even felt more realistic. She quickly got up and noticed being light-headed.

Bracing herself against the wall she gradually walked towards the bathroom. As soon as the commode was in sight, Andra’s stomach could no longer retain any remains from the day before, only to find herself with the dry heaves. More than ever did she feel like the dream would become reality within moments. Her whole body ached, as she also noticed the room becoming considerably hot. As she slumped over on the floor the phone rang.

The sound of someone banging on the door was Andra’s first recollection after apparently passing out. Dazed and confused it took a few minutes to remember that she had checked into a motel. Looking at her watch, she noticed it was 8:30, and realized she must’ve fallen asleep for a few hours. Her hunger pains becoming more intense and painful as she grabbed the bedspread in hopes of helping her self up.

(start here)
Are you okay in there?”

“Who is it?” Andra replied.

“Mike, the night manager. I was just checking to see if you were okay. I tried calling and you didn’t answer and I noticed that your car was still here.



This isn't a hook; it's a first page.
It's also about waking up and dreams. That's one of my almost instant yecchhs.

5 comments:

I Said said...

I worry about the writing here.

Anonymous said...

:Tired editor:

Dear dog, if I read *another* opening with a character waking from a nightmare and puking I may hurl some gnawed bagel and coffee as well.

:Shoves the effort into a SASE and reaches for another.:

Anonymous said...

As do I, it's a little confusing. "She quickly got up and noticed being light-headed." That doesn't make sense. I would rephrase it. "She quickly got up and noticed that she was light-headed." Or something.

This sentence: "As soon as the commode was in sight, Andra’s stomach could no longer retain any remains from the day before, only to find herself with the dry heaves."

Also doesn't make sense. "As soon as the commode was in sight, Andra threw up." Or "As soon as the commode was in sight, Andra fell into a fit of dry heaves." Or something.

"Her whole body ached, as she also noticed the room becoming considerably hot."

Change to something like: "Her whole body ached and the room grew considerably hotter."

"Dazed and confused it took a few minutes remember that she had checked into a motel." This also doesn't make sense.

I would just remove "Dazed and confused" and say, "It took her a few minutes to remember that she had checked into a motel."

Anonymous said...

Dreaming, waking up, *and* vomiting. It's a trifecta!

Anonymous said...

Seriously bad writing. Ungrammatical, clunky, passive, and self-indulgent.

And no one likes to open a book to read about the protag hurling. I have to give a damn about a character before I care if he/she is sick and why.

This reads like fanfic.