12.17.2006

HH Com 102

Aya should be dead. Not once, but twice she survives. What is keeping her alive? Is it luck or something more tangible?

In the novel, The Other Side, Aya and her four high school friends suddenly find themselves face to face with death, literally. Banished to the world of the living, a Soul, repenting for the heinous sins of a past life, befriends the teens and struggles to remember how to live again. As secrets come to light, testing the bonds of friendship, the friends begin to turn against one another. Aya fights to keep the peace, but her efforts are in vain. The Soul must try where Aya fails, not only as atonement but because a new danger lurks, threatening to devour them all.


This is over wrought blather. Be specific. What does she survive? A falling ferret? An enraged Miss Snark trampling her on the way to the gin pail? If they are face to face with death literarlly...Death is capitalized at the very least.

And "a new danger threating to devour" anything sounds like KY barking at the Squirrel Brigade in Central Park.

Focus.

5 comments:

Shannon said...

Any of the "they should be dead!" reminds me of the Final Destination movies. (Teens supposed to die, narrowly avoid death, "ordinary" objects start killing them off.) Even if your book isn't anything like those movies, you need to make it a lot more distinctive to show that distance from them.

shannon said...

(different Shannon!)

Yes, this one is a bit all over the place. There's a lot going on but what is actually going on? At first, I thought it was about a girl who couldn't be killed. But then you talk about a soul banished to our world and high school kids fighting with Death - I think - which seemed like a different story?? Is the Soul keeping Aya alive? Is the Soul a ghost?

Perhaps focus on Aya and her brush-with-death and soul-as-protector (why does she need it?) and less about her annoying high school friends.

YA market??

HawkOwl said...

Secrets. High school. The undead. Flush.

Virginia Miss said...

Looks as if 'falling ferrets' is joining Rabbitania and serial scrubbers in snark lingo.

~Nancy said...

I liked the first two sentences, but then you lost me. I think this needs to be refocused, maybe as the 2nd shannon says. I think you should dump the part about her friends and focus on the Soul.

Does it have a regular name? Take this FWIW, but I'm just wondering if it'll get old if Aya calls it "the Soul" throughout the book. If it does take on a regular name, I'd use it here (maybe something like, "the Soul, now called Jim,"). Also, why does Aya need protecting? From what or whom? Is the Soul up to providing such a service? I think you need a few more details to flesh it out.

Good luck with it!

~JerseyGirl