HH Com 105

In ‘Awakening,’ when a young academic in modern-day Boston is killed by dark sorcery, her death severs powerful binding spells borne by her bloodline for generations, awakening a dark power from ages past and releasing it upon the world. Professor Katherine ‘Kat’ Donelly, heiress to her family’s forgotten legacy, startles back to life inside her own grave, reanimated by the same power her death set free.

Transformed by her death and the dark magics that drive her on, preying on her mind and spirit, Kat struggles to reclaim her life and her place in the world. But with the city of Boston drowning in a rising tide of nightmares and horrors, Kat finds herself stumbling unwillingly into the role of its protector, learning to stand as Champion against the growing darkness, both that which is without and that which is within her very being.

Guided by the nightmare visions of her wife, Veronica, and counseled by Grey, an enigmatic and haunted warrior from the past who cannot die, Kat prepares herself to confront Thanatos, dark god of the dead. Death cults and the undead come forth from the world’s nightmares at his command, and a city holds its breath as its reluctant hero faces humanity’s oldest and darkest fear – that in the end, everyone meets Death alone.

Let's refocus here. Start by leaving out all the description. Tell me what happens. Subject and verb. Pare down your adjectives and adverbs cause you clearly bought those in bulk on ebay.

I have no idea what happens here other than some girl comes back to life and it's not a good thing.

Focus on what happens.


December Quinn said...

I think the "girl comes back from the dead to discover her resurration is making death take over the city" (right? Basically?)idea is a good one. It's just I had to read this a couple of times to suss out the plot, and I'm still not entirely sure I'm correct.

But I'd want to read that story.

Emmy Voter said...

I loved the first paragraph, I was hooked immediately. The rest was fine in my eyes, as well -- I felt I got enough idea of what the story was, and there were enough hints of uniqueness (such as the heroine having a wife), that I would be curious to see more.

However, this isn't my field, so this is just ine reader's reaction.

shannon said...

Start with the opening paragraph. I had to read that twice before I got that "Kat" is the same woman as the one who just died - at first I thought it was an ancestor!

Also, she's just been resurrected and "transformed" - it'd be pretty hard to reclaim your life after death and all. This bit really interests me.

It just needs to be simplified while retaining the tension. I think it would work better if you skipped the stuff about Thanatos, cause it just got too confusing for my poor head.

But I thought it was interesting, and would probably take a closer look if I saw it in a bookshop.

Anonymous said...

This is not my genre, so I could be all wrong, but I found the use of so many "darks" confusing: dark sorcery, dark power, dark magics, growing darkness.

The reference to "her wife, Veronica" threw me so completely I thought it must be a cut-and-paste editing error.


HawkOwl said...

No. Honestly, I didn't read your whole hook. The whole premise with the magic and the bloodlines and the forgotten legacy and the dark urban fantasy thing is soooooo cookie-cutter, I don't even care whether you're a genius at it or just a hack.

Anonymous said...

Pare down your adjectives and adverbs cause you clearly bought those in bulk on ebay.

..hehehe.....good one!