HH Com 108

Fourteen year-old Vinny Dinolfo can’t do magic and can't wield a sword or a spear. But when Vinny is abducted by a monster and dropped into a strange new world, he needs more than magic and weapons. Traversing the jungle and eluding its mythical creatures is the easy part.

A battle is brewing, and Vinny joins the forces fighting an evil magician, even though he knows that his skills--playing soccer and starting fights with Zach, his nemesis at school--are useless. When Vinny learns that Zach is being held captive by the magician, and none of Vinny's new comrades has any interest in a rescue attempt, he's unwilling to let Zach suffer. Not too much, anyway.

Despite his dislike of his classmate, Vinny fights his way into an enchanted castle to free him. But Vinny also becomes trapped. Now his courage, sense of self -- and maybe even his soccer skills--are all that can save them.

blah blah blah. I've seen this story line one gazillion times. You've got a boring evil magician (boring because he's unknown of course) and a soccer playing, not very skilled, boy who must prevail.

You need to turn some of this on it's head and develop a fresh perspective that's more enticing.

As hooks go this is decent form.


December Quinn said...

I seem to recall seeing this elsewhere, and it sounded fun. Writer, if that's so, your original hook was much better.

carlynarr said...

Yes, it's not as original as it could be. But I still like it. It could be better, much better, and that's the key thing to keep in mind. But I'd still read it as is.

Zuleme said...

I remember this one too and the issues haven't changed. Vinny needs a reason to rescue his disliked classmate and the thing about his soccer skills saving him seems hard to pull off convincingly.
I think some detail would help too, what strange new world, what monster, why is he abducted and some character details on the evil magician.

author said...

Thanks everyone for your help and ideas. Back to the drawing board....

HawkOwl said...

Well, at least it started off by addressing my hatred of magical teenagers. Oddly, that's quite original among crapometer entries. Sadly, the rest was really generic. Not to mention magical. Oh well.