HH Com 133

Kira Amasti has lost everyone she loves to tragedy – twice. When another disaster threatens, she decides she must protect her new family at all costs, even if it means leaving them forever.

Kira’s New Prophets foster family decries the evils of technology, but their existence is being threatened by advanced biotechnology. To protect them Kira must use the abilities granted by a technology not only forbidden, but anathema under New Prophet laws. A direct neurological link will allow Kira access to places and information available no other way, but the cost is high. Not only will her family disown her, but she risks subsumption – the loss of her individual will to her linked AI.

As Kira enters the larger universe, she finds a new purpose to infuse with her old as she bonds with a newborn AI named Memory, but Memory is threatened too Are the people who would turn Memory into a world-busting weapon trying to keep the human worlds safe, or are they themselves the greatest threat?

Ghost Dancer, a science fiction novel complete at 85,000 words, follows Kira as she strives to find the people who threaten all she holds dear, and forge a partnership with the AI who represents everything she most desires and most fears.

Lack of specificity makes this a blob of mashed potatoes on the Sunday dinner table of life.

I can't begin to follow this in a quick read. And that's ALL you get when you query; five -seven seconds. A hook is active, specific and compelling. It's the cayenne pepper on that same dinner table.

There are some good examples in the entries preceding this. Study up. There WILL be a test and results come back in an SASE.


HawkOwl said...

The thing I noticed the most is echoes. You repeat words and concepts way too much. "Let's all bask in it's warm glowing warming glow." I suspect you do the same thing in your novel and that's why we can't see much of a plot. Because it's not really an 85,000 novel. When you take out all the repetition, it might be only 35,000 words, which doesn't leave much plotting room. So both for your novel and your hook, I would say focus more on telling us straight up what happens, and not using more words than are strictly necessary.

PerpetualBeginner said...

Ah well, scrap round #1 and try again.

Though you obviously haven't had my husband's mashed potatoes, or you'd use something else for designating bland and formless.

Kristi said...

It sounds like you've put together a cool story. It's just the hook and the writing that needs some cleaning up. I'd re-work and keep going with this story.

HawkOwl said...

See, now I'm interested. I want to know how your husband makes mashed potatoes.

Anonymous said...

The age of the protagonist was unclear to me. At first I thought "her family" meant husband and children. Now I think it means parents and siblings. Or religious "siblings" and parent-figures. Or something. Then I got distracted by how can someone so young (if indeed she is young) already be on the third time of losing "everything". I guess it can happen, but considering the odds of it took me out of the narrative. Does she just have spectatcularly bad luck? Does she in some way attract tragedy? Or is she in the middle of a war or something, in which case this is happening to everyone in the same place. Why is her story special?

wonderer said...

I hate to bring this up, because it seems petty, but using the name Kira in conjunction with the word Prophets will immediately cause many science fiction readers to think of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing this link to the AI is kind of a Matrix type link. You're going to have to make it a lot different from that, in order to make it fresh. I like those kinds of technology dissaters of the future books, but you'll have to tell me what the dissaster is in a clearer way than you've done.

shannon said...

Vague trying-to-build-suspense lines like "Kira Amasti has lost everyone she loves to tragedy - twice" just drive me up the wall. It doesn't seem to even be part of the story, since you go on to say "When another disaster threatens..."

I would drop that entire first paragraph. It doesn't add anything relevant, and only confuses the plot lines.

The second paragraph is interesting, but needs to be simplified. There's a lot of extra information in there that can either be dropped or condensed.

The third paragraph seemed, to me, to show that you've lost the plot. The story goes from a family-focused tale to a save-the-universe one. It's a bit disappointing, actually. If you kept it closer to home, it might be more effective.

Oh, and ditch the fourth. Don't need it, it just gets repetitive.

PerpetualBeginner said...

Crud - wonderer, thanks for pointing that out. Kira has been Kira forever, but the New Prophets have had several name changes. Looks like it's time for another one.