HH Com 134

Three thousand years ago, Pandora opened a box. And the world changed.

It's happened again.

While gathering firewood for his family, thirteen-year-old Kaspar comes across an ornate cast-iron box, and when he opens it, nothing happens. Or so he thinks. Almost half a world away, Jackie Parker, Graduate Student in Particle Physics, stumbles upon a unique phenomenon that has the power to cast her backwards through time. Then her priest, Father John-Paul, goes into a fugue state in which he receives Visions from God. The end of the
world is coming--and God demands that all Believers journey to the Portals of Enlightenment to enter the Gates of the Promised Land.

But what happens on Earth when all True Believers leave? TREASURE BOX, my completed 83K Speculative Fiction novel, explores the world after the Exodus--a world where Magic and Physics are one, and some things, like love and faith and hate and cruelty, remain.

Does Father John-Paul have acolytes named George and Ringo?

You start with three excellent sentences. Then it goes to hell in a handbasket. Who's the main character? Start with that. Don't explain. Just show us the problem and what happens if it doesn't get fixed.


ya author said...

>>>Does Father John-Paul have acolytes named George and Ringo?<<<

This made me snort so hard that my uvula got sucked up into my sinuses. Guess I won't be singing any Christmas carols this year.

If Miss Snark ever agrees to another Crapometer, she needs a disclaimer: Not responsible for soaked keyboards, clue gun burns, poodle bites, Strunk and White contusions, or contorted uvulas.

A Paperback Writer said...

Does Father John-Paul have acolytes named George and Ringo?
Touche, Miss Snark. Oh, the mental picture this conjured up!
Okay, I'm finished laughing now. Barely.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like "Left Behind."

Anonymous said...

Makes me think of Heroes with a religious bent. The 'hook' actually worked for me, although more focus on the central character might make it stronger.


Anonymous said...

Speaking of things we've seen a gazillion times before ... those George & Ringo jokes have been around since 1978, when Albino Luciani became the first double-named pope, John Paul I.

HawkOwl said...

Can you name one plot element you have that hasn't already been done? Pandora's box, time travel, and Left Behind are terribly stale.

Anonymous said...

"Three thousand years ago, Pandora opened a box and changed the world forever.

Now, Father John-Paul has discovered a way to reverse the damage, but only if he can overcome his most daunting challenge ever--convincing George and Ringo, his two acolytes, that there is more to life than their fledgling musical careers."

Kristi said...

I like the writing, like the hook, like the premise. Particle physics? Sounds fun to me. I'd definately read this.

Gerri said...

It's all in how it's treated. After all, there are no new ideas, merely new ways of expressing them.

"Some writers balk at the thought that there are formulas to writing, but all we're listing are the ingredients. A Caesar salad contains such and such. However, two different people cooking the same recipe will not produce the same dish. The one who is more creative and innovative will concoct something that transcends formula." – Crafting Scenes, Raymond Obstfeld

And stale bread makes wonderful crutons, bread pudding, and bread stuffing. It's all in the treatment.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand how Pandora's box can be opened again. For that to have any significance, the world would have to be free of bad things, which it isn't, and the box would have to still have the bad stuff in it. But the stuff in Pandora's box is already out. Isn't the box empty? Or have hope inside or something? I just can't see how opening it again would cause any kind of calamity...my head hurts!

Crys said...

ooh, fugue states! i'm in.

liked this...a lot.

j h woodyatt said...

Despite the hook needing more cowbell, the concept sounds intriguing.