12.18.2006

HH Com 141

Jack Palms made one hit blockbuster action movie, “Shake ‘em Down” four years ago. Now he’s come through a bad marriage, beaten a drug addition and he’s starting from rock bottom. So when his old friend from L.A., Ralph Anderino, offers him a chance to chaperone San Francisco’s biggest drug deal and make his mortgage money—and then some—at the same time, he has no choice but to go along.

But when his Czech drug buyers turn out to be more than a handful, and a few things about them need second looks, when Ralph turns up with a hole in his head, laid out in his own bathtub with a dead dog in his backyard, things get complicated. That’s also when a cop from Jack’s past starts calling. The deal brings in the KGB, the Russian mob, a Columbian drug dealer, and some of San Francisco’s finest on both sides of the law. As Jack gets more and more involved, he realizes he has to see this thing through to its end: both because he’s starting to like the Czechs, so he can get his money, and because he’s finding that he actually wants this action, that he’s waking up to a new version of his life, however long it lasts.



Well at least they aren't Russians, but when the hell does the Quaker mafia show up?

And he doesn't have "no choice"...he makes a choice and now he's dealing with the consequences. By saying no choice you dull the point of the hook to nothingness. Choices are what make the hook interesting. He decided to do this..now he's got troubles. How's he going to get out? And what's the cost to him for doing so?

If this is funny you might be ok, but this is a hard sell cause from what I see here it's just a retread of some pretty good novels already published.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Was this good or bad, hook-wise?

Anonymous said...

Shiver down the spine time. As someone waiting with a 100++++ number, it might be a bad sign that our poor overwhelmed Miss Snark, has finally nixed giving helpful comments and just gone on to the next victim. By the time she gets to me...

Anonymous said...

Oops, no Snarkism, plus it's somehow gotten out of order.
You're at it early this morning, Miss Snark. Have a good day, and thanks again.

Dave said...

There's a few too many hot button elements in this. Some of them don't work well.
- A friend from LA has a drug deal in San Fran?
- the KGB, the Russian mob, a Columbian drug dealer, Czech Drug dealers
- the kitchen sink (his mortgage)
- the hero embraces the criminal drug lords
- And a dead dog, every one needs a dead dog

Somehow, it all seems like been there, done that.
What's unique about this story?

Ryan Field said...

I think it was good, hook-wise.

I'd buy it if it were in the inside cover of a novel.

Just put some really hot sex in it, too :)

Anonymous said...

"a Columbian drug dealer"

that's one educated drug dealer.

Anonymous said...

In addition to the shopworn plot elements, the writing needs some polish. E.g:

both because he’s starting to like the Czechs, so he can get his money, and because he’s finding that he actually wants this action, that he’s waking up to a new version of his life, however long it lasts.

'Both' implies agreement between two things... you've got 3 or 4 things depending on how you read it. Very clunky.

skybluepinkrose said...

MS is right on about the choice -- Jack doesn't HAVE to go along with his old pal. At that point the plot becomes contrived, I think. Jack takes a certain turn mostly because you want him to.

Writerious said...

The first and last sentences of the second paragraph need reworking. The first contains too many ideas and has some grammatical problems. The last says "both" then lists multiple items. Both implies a choice between two things.

Anonymous said...

Drug addition?

Anonymous said...

he has no choice but to go along

:Tired editor: Oh, hell, yes, he has a choice. I love my house, too, but it ain't worth my life and freedom. Ain't buying no titles with a moron hero.

Poor dead dog! Gaaah, I hate *any* dead dog stuff.

:Slips this one back in the envelope:

HawkOwl said...

I was all "yay, an inspiring NA-type story!" and then it all went totally sideways. Really, if he's only now at "rock bottom" and he would even entertain the thought of brokering a drug deal, I don't buy that he's "beaten" his addiction. More likely, he's too broke and too short on credit to be able to use right now.

With that being said, I'm not sure whether this is gonna be just a generic crime story, or something along the lines of Blow. I could watch Blow all day. I'd take a look at this, but I wouldn't cut it much slack.