12.18.2006

HH Com 147

When 18 year old Zane left his crowded home to become a squire, he did not expect to find himself caught in the middle of a kidnapping plot. His first week started off uneventful enough. By the second week he had gotten himself sentenced to kitchen duty for mistakenly attacking a castle guest (really, how was he supposed to have known that that stooped man with an eye patch had been a suitor for the eldest princess?). And if that was not enough, one bossy little kitchen maid named Areli made sure his time in the kitchens was anything but pleasant.
During one particular dinner, the castle is visited by the king of Oodorians, a race that have long been at odds with the humans. The human king forcefully forbids the marriage of his eldest daughter to the beastly Oodorian prince.
She turns up missing the next day.

The Oodorians are the obvious suspects, but the evidence suggests Zane helped them do the deed. To escape capture, he flees the castle with the help of Areli and the youngest princess, Yasha.

Now Zane's only hope is to find and rescue the eldest princess before he is captured and jailed by the very knights he wanted so desperately to join.


What exactly is new here? You've got a standard fairy tale here only with SF elements. You can do this but you have to give it something distinctive, something you invent.

You're closing in on a hook but you're not focusing on the problem: Zane, sentenced to kitchen duty for being a protocol nitwit, finds himself blamed for the kidnapping of the princess. He has to clear his name or he'll be jailed and forced to listen to Florence Foster Jenkins recordings for the rest of his natural born days. Trouble is, he thinks the princess is a pain, doesn't want to rescue her and is allergic to good deeds.

Hilarity aside, you see the difference?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading fiction with a mix of SF and History but, I would do a bit more research for the History aspect of your story.

I would read this and I think it has alot of potential.

Is this comedy?

charles said...

also, zane is kind of an idiotic character name.

Virginia Miss said...

Oh my gosh, Miss Snark's suggestions are terrific -- especially. "Trouble is, he thinks the princess is a pain, doesn't want to rescue her and is allergic to good deeds."

If you can't use this, consider re-writing!

Anonymous said...

I would start with a version of the last sentence. He's gotta find her, he wants to be knight, then go into hints of what he'll get hit with along the way.

But I like these quest type of stories. Don't spend so much time in the kitchen, get out in the cruel world.

Heather said...

I'm sorry, but I read Oodorians as Odorians, and assume that they must be truly foul-smelling.

sscrwui - Something is sscrwui around here...

Writerious said...

Unlikely hero must rescue beautiful princess. That goes back to, let's see, the dawn of civilization, I believe.

But the Hero's Quest plot is such a classic structure of fantasy and SF that it's no sin to use it. Just let's have some updated elements. Helpless princesses in need of rescue are so 19th century. And spunky princesses who assist in their own rescue are so 1977. Rescuing a princess you don't particularly like so you can accomplish some personal goal of your own (and falling for her despite yourself) is so 1990. Finding a fresh new angle to this won't be easy, but work at it. It can be done.

Anonymous said...

Miss Snark knows about Florence Foster Jenkins?? I'm more impressed than ever! That wasn't you sitting in front of me at the Met's Don Carlo last week, was it?

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a Peter David book - Sir Apropos of Nothing, Woad to Wuin, Tong Lashing...

Angus Weeks said...

I'm gonna hire Miss Snark to write my hooks for me.

December Quinn said...

Why so I keep reading that first line as if he left home to become a square?