HH Com 154

You’re in trouble and the only thing that will get you out is trading your testimony for a new life. If you’re lucky, you get Deputy U.S. Marshal Veronica Lakewood as your WITSEC Inspector. She will teach you how to walk away from the life you know and into another. She will show you how to become someone else. And she will be there for you if they find you anyway. She’s the best because she did it herself. And no one’s ever found out.

Your hook starts here:
The U.S. Marshals Service Witness Security Program has never lost a participant who followed their rules. Ronnie’s never lost one even when they broke every rule in the book. When her current relocation goes from routine to dangerous, Ronnie has to break a few rules herself and take her participant out of the system.

Then she discovers she’s being stalked by the last person she ever expected to see again. The step-father she thought she’d killed as a teenager.

Stalking aside (cause I'm really over stalkings in a big way) this is probably something I'd read a sample page to see if the writing was good, and I'd look at a synopsis to see if you break out of the business as usual Tommy Lee Jones motif.

The first paragraph isn't the worst thing I've seen but the second person doesn't work well for hooks. Neither does first.

Other than that, you've got good form.


Anonymous said...

Overall, I thought it worked well. However, it ended to abruptly for me. I expected more 'hook' after Miss Snark's comments. Something to tie the dead step-father into the story more.


michaelgav said...

I like this.

And I love this: "She’s the best because she did it herself. And no one’s ever found out."

Seems like solid, muscular writing. As long as the presumed dead step-father storyline isn't mawkish, count me in.

Anonymous said...

I like it but it got weird when it got to dead step father part.

Other than that, interesting.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your comments.
RT -- I had an inkling that I had stopped too soon. The step-father figures prominently in the ending so you're very right about needing more in the hook.
michaelgav -- The storyline of the step-father is NOT mawkish. And if I could get a reviewer to say my writing is "solid, muscular" I'd be thrilled.
And mega thanks to Miss Snark. I now have one word enlarged and hanging over my desk. FOCUS

tomdg said...

Brilliant. She runs the witness protection program - and she's actually a protected witness herself. What a great twist. You've got an interesting character, with a great motivation to do her job, and a natural personal skeleton in the closet. This sounds like a really good book.

shelby said...

I'm really upset that Miss Snark didn't ask for more pages of this. I think it sounded really interesting and I would definitely love to read more. Author, don't let the COM get you down. I think you've got an interesting (and original) story here.

Jodi Meadows said...

I agree. This one looks good. I want more from it, because I think the author can provide an ending to the hook that isn't so abrupt.

Good luck with this!

Bernita said...

The sort of thing that makes for a good series, like the Anna Pigeon mysteries.

Beth said...

I'm really upset that Miss Snark didn't ask for more pages of this.

How do you know she didn't?

Author, sounds intriguing; just move a little of that information from the first paragraph into the rest of it. And in the last paragraph, put a colon after "again" so you don't have that odd sentence fragment dangling there.

"...the last person she ever expected to see again: the stepfather..." etc.

CoyoteMom said...

I agree with Michaelgav and would have added that after the sentence "She's the best because she did it herself. And no one's ever found out." would have been hook enough for me. I guess I'm easy. Should I change my name to book slut?

Anonymous said...

Thanks again for all your comments. Getting comments on top of Miss Snark's thoughts is definitely icing on the cake. I very much appreciate both.

Crys said...

i found the premise quite interesting and the writing easy and believable. i'd definitely give it a read.

good luck!

batgirl said...

I'd be curious just how this is different from the Jane Whitefield books, other than Ronnie working for the Law and not freelance. I liked the Jane Whitefield books, so I might like this as well.