12.19.2006

HH Com 170

The sex wasn’t great, she thought as she rolled over in bed and stared into the darkness. The sex was barely good most of the time. Who said it was supposed to be? What is sex anyway, less than one percent of a relationship? There are other much more vital parts to a healthy relationship. There are common interests, common goals.
Suzanne looked over at the heap of flesh laying next to her then back up into the darkness. " He was good looking. He was intelligent and motivated. His motivation took him directly to the top. Suzanne admired that most. They had interesting dinner conversations.
What am I doing here, she thought. Was she dating this man for interesting dinner conversation? She rolled over toward the edge of the bed. Her internal war raged on as she looked around the room. It was dark, though out side she was sure the moon was just shining through the new night.
How could she sleep? How could he sleep? This wasn’t her room. The fancy furniture, the stunning woodwork and overpriced window dressings covering the beautiful windows weren’t what she wanted. She wanted to see at least a glimpse of the moon and stars shining through the room.
The next five days, Suzanne decides to return home, her sister is in a serious accident and her best friend is kidnapped, and somehow it all connects to one man and the dreams they once shared.


I'm not sure what this is. I thought it was a first page until the final paragraph. There are good examples of hooks posted. Go check them out.

And "She felt the disgust churn in her stomach" is the kind of thing that makes me reject stuff without reading further. It's overdone "Disgust churned in her stomach" conveys the same thing more fluently.

9 comments:

captiv8ed said...

And "She felt the disgust churn in her stomach" is the kind of thing that makes me reject stuff without reading further. It's overdone "Disgust churned in her stomach" conveys the same thing more fluently.

I have read through this three times, and I can't find it anywhere. Can someone please explain?

Dave said...

There's too many words here and let me explain. Start with the first sentence: "The sex wasn’t great, she thought as she rolled over in bed and stared into the darkness."
"in bed" is not necessary to the story. It's not even style.

Take sentences #2 & 3: "The sex was barely good most of the time. Who said it was supposed to be?"
They say the same thing as #1 and they say it twice. SO now we know sex is, well, not great in triplicate, like a government form in triplicate.

And then you pound the WHY in:
"What is sex anyway, less than one percent of a relationship? There are other much more vital parts to a healthy relationship. There are common interests, common goals."
Sex is gooey wet stuff that feels good and leaves a wet spot. As a guy, that's all I care about. If I were a woman, then I might think that sex is all this - a real relationship - but this isn't a hook.

And looking in the darkenss is seeing nothing. There has to be a dim light. .

And later, a contradiction: "Was she dating this man for interesting dinner conversation?"
No she was dating him for sex. OOOPS! she actually was dating him for his mind and not sex. Is that why sex is so unimportant and dissapointing to her?

BTW - Men sleep after sex. It's a chemical released into the blood stream that guarantees sleep.

And again you say: "It was dark, though out side she was sure the moon was just shining through the new night."
What am I clairvoyant? Is she?
This doesn't work as an image.

Sorry to be rough. But this is not the way to keep a reader's interest.

Anonymous said...

I think she might have meant this:
"Her internal war raged on"

Whatever. I was drawn in by the writing--thought it was good writing for the most part. It is a first page, not a hook. But you have a strong voice, loud and clear. Just need to get it in query form as per her guidelines.

Wabi Sabi said...

Captiva8ed, that sentence isn't on my screen either.

Maybe Miss Snark has an all-seeing eye.

Ideas and writing-wise, I liked this (except the final lines though -'and then I awoke to find it had all been a bad dream'). I hope the writer will push on with it.

puzzlehouse said...

Captiv8ed, you're right. "Disgust," "stomach," "churn" -- none of these words appear in the hook. Neither does "felt."

But keep in mind how many of these hooks our poor Miss Snark is doing. She's probably face-first in a pail of gin by noon these days. I know I would be. :)

Anonymous said...

Who implanted a disgust churn in her stomach? And why? How disturbing to reach down and feel one of those! If removed, could it also be used to make butter?

HawkOwl said...

I'm sure that opening line seemed bold and unconventional at first when you wrote it. I'm not sure that's really the effect it's achieving. I'm quite sure I hated it being followed up by five paragraphs of the same. Maybe this predisposed me against likign your plot. Then again, I'm quite sure the accident + kidnapping + old love story angle isn't my thing when I'm in a fogiving mood, either.

aries said...

This hook is very confusing. You need to spend more time elaborating on the developments in the last sentence than going on and on about how Suzanne's conflicted feelings after sex. THAT should only be one sentence.

Anonymous said...

I actually found the writing stilted and Suzanne an idiot.

If she's dating the guy just for sex, as is implied by the "Am I dating him for dinner conversation" passage, she should dump him if the sex is bad. If she's dating him because she really likes him, she should tell him what she wants and needs in bed, or maybe get on top once in a while, like a grown woman does.

If she wants to see the moon and stars from the bed, why doesn't she get her lazy ass up and open the curtains?

I'm not a fan of women characters who don't exert even some common sense and control over their own lives.

Looking back over this, there isn't as much "she felt" stuff as it seemed. Because unfortunately, the first time I read this I thought I read stuff like that too, simply because the language is so heavy and awkward.