HH Com 176

Zira has the rare talent to send and read emotions. Though her gift is dangerous to society and her soul unless strictly controlled, she rebels against the discipline of apprenticeship.

In a land with three human species, she falls in scandalous love with a yellow-furred man of the northern mountains. Her father banishes her to a mother she has never known, and then her mother sends her off on a journey with the sea people. There she contends with a lustful boat captain, murderous enemies, and her own ability to influence others against their wills.

Zira wants to use her Listener’s talent to ease the hostility between cultures. She wants to do her duty and have her passion, too. But the more she grows into her power, the more she must choose: her training or the people she loves.

So, what's the problem?
You've described characters and given us some events, but there's no plot here.

Why can't she do both? Is she too busy working on the Crapometer to read emotions? I feel her pain.

Remember the basic ingrediants of the hook souffle: the main character is; s/he has a problem that is; s/he must do something to solve it that will: the consequences of solving it create a different problem which is. Fill in the blanks.

Start over.


HawkOwl said...

That's not a rare talent on Crapometer, you know.

aries said...

You lost me with "she falls in scandalous love." It's a clunky phrase that makes me afraid to actually read the pages.

Anonymous said...

Does Zira have any faults? (Being passionate, spirited and rebellious do not count as faults.) I'm concerned to hear a whisper of Mary Sue about this hook. Possibly she's a rounded character in the book, but if so, you need to work on putting that across.

Anonymous said...

Two things, I love the three homanoid forms, that's cool. Unfortunately, the mental powers that are "growing" sound like they'll make her so powerful, she can simply make her problems go away with a wave of her hand. If there are those who are imune, I'd like to know. If there are limits, I'd like to know. So that I feel there is a chance she might fail.

melospiza said...

I didn't have to read all the previous 175 submissions to understand how I'd gone wrong. This is, and continues to be, a huge education.

Thank you Miss Snark. I hope you're having some fun here. (682 is a duplicate. I didn't receive a number and resubmitted. One less to read.)

Thank you commenters.

Back to work.

HawkOwl said...

Oh, I think being passionate, spirited and rebellious are totally faults. How many people do you suppose go to jail because of a passionate, spirited, rebellious moment of picking a fight with a cop?

Hopefully somewhere in the crapometer there is a novel about a level-headed, logical character.