HH Com 181

Eleven-year-old Angel Song Hammer keeps secrets, the kind that could affect every child on planet Earth, if ‘The Girl from the Moon’ doesn’t prevent a terrible wrong from occurring.

Famous as the only child born at Mankind’s first moon station, Luna One, Angel leaves her family and scientific friends behind, as the lunar base is threatened by subversion.

Physically weak, socially clumsy, Angel befriends a surly, but intelligent boy, George Ivanosky, and his twin brothers, Morgan and Jack.

In the streams and fields surrounding Medda, Washington, Angel’s new home, the children discover three-eyed frogs and a six-legged coyote fetus.

George suspects Duncan Tibor Mauduit, a rich industrialist, is a member of the 11th Hour, a sinister group bent on disrupting Earth’s central world government. George’s journalist father tried to expose the 11th Hour, but was instead imprisoned.

Stealing computer files, Angel uncovers a heinous plot, a genetic altering experiment is set to unleash upon Earth’s children, beginning at Medda. The 11th Hour’s plot might asunder the fragile alliances currently existing between New Earth governments.

With no clear link to any person or organization, Angel refuses to involve Lieutenant-General Achilles Rex Hammer, her father and commander at the lunar station, armed with only childish suspicions. The children leave at night to film the evidence they need.

Angel disarms her powerful opponents with innocent youth, and suffers the consequences of her decisions. The brothers become orphans, and the deadly substance that the children sought to destroy contaminates --- her.

Innocent youth is vastly over rated as a compelling description of character. You've got more of a synopsis here than a hook.

You're drowing in names. The idea that powerful oppoents can be disarmed by innocent youth is a literary device from the 50's....the 1850s.

There's no connection between paragraphs. It's like a series of telegrams.

This is a mess.


Dave said...

Who says: A dark night in a town with no secrets" ...? ? ? ?

These are either pure cliche or poor English:
uncovers a heinous plot, a genetic altering experiment is set to unleash upon Earth’s children, beginning at Medda. The 11th Hour’s plot might asunder the fragile alliances currently existing between New Earth governments.

Quooquoo said...

Middle grade's my thing. If this were my story, I'd blurb it as follows:

Under the threat of hostile subversives, eleven-year-old Angel Song Hammer is forced to leave the only life she’s ever known—up on mankind’s first space station, Luna One—for the big blue planet below.

Though famous for being the only child born on Luna One, Angel finds that life on Earth is astronomically lonely. That is until know-it-all George Ivanosky and his goofy twin brothers allow her to tag along while meandering through the fields surrounding Medda, Washington—Angel’s new home.

It’s out among nature that the four new friends discover an alarming trend—mutated animals. Terrorists known as the 11th Hour are suspected, but no one is prepared for the group’s most sinister plan—to genetically alter Earth’s children. With little proof, the friends decide they’ll need to go out on their own to gather irrefutable evidence.

Overwhelmed by the consequences of her decisions, including the death of her friends’ parents, Angel has no idea how she’ll fight the deadly substance that has finally contaminated…her.

I Said said...

C'mon--an eleven-year old leaves home to save the world? Especially a physically weak, socially clumsy one? And how'd she leave the lunar base? And if she's so good and famous and all, why'd she bolt at the first sign of subversion? Armed with computer data that evidently even an 11-year old can see is an evil plot, why be reluctant to call in the big guns--the grown-ups.

I'm sure the story is better than this. Get someone to help point out the highlights (and problems if any) by reading it over for you.

Good luck with it.

oliviacw said...

Michael Valentine Smith.
Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.

Would be seen as a pure rip-off with minor updating by any science fiction fan.

John said...

You also need to do more research. Someone born on the Moon would have more problems than being "weak". Why is she socially clumsy - is there no one normal on the Moonbase? Where did she go to school? Had she no friends her own age? If not, why wasn't she sent to Earth for her education? It would warp a child hugely no have no peer group.

Then, there's the problem of the problem. As Miss Snark has said many times, unspecified evil is boring. We need to know *why* 11th Hour is doing whatever it's doing. You've said that they steal computer files (from a powerful organisation? do the children have uber hacker skillz or something?) but then that they have only "childish suspicions", which doesn't make sense.

Why can they film the evidence they need? Is something important happening in public? In which case, I'd guess it's too late to do much about it (all I can think from the description so far is that the event is the release of the genetic modification).

And that "innocent youth" thing at the end almost made me physically retch. It's terrible! She could charm them, sweet talk them, deceive them, but will evil villains bent on bringing down governments and genetically modifying the world really be stopped by seeing a golden-haired little girl?

To borrow Miss Snark's phrase - focus, focus, focus. After you've thought very carefully about the story you want to tell, and how to tell it, you need to bring out clearly the conflict, the costs and the consequences. Even for a YA book (perhaps especially) these need to be clear.

pax et bonum

Quooquoo said...

It's true that with children's writing, the child must control the story--the CHILD must be the "big guns"--not the grownups, but you've got to write it in a way that covers all the "why not just take those computer files to the grownups?" questions.