In this 140,000-word Fantasy, Takktin Kallaran runs from what may have been his most glorious mistake--killing a General's son. Festival of Mirrors is a fast-paced story told from multiple viewpoints. It is targeted toward teens and upward.
Hook starts here:
For seven years, the world has cowered under the Koyartan's brutal occupation and their foreign philosophy of Purity. Here, where violations of these vague ideals get you tortured or imprisoned, where being of a different species gets you executed on sight, it is easy to become an enemy. It is easy to hate. As Takktin struggles to escape the wrath that he has brought down upon his people, he is drawn into a resistance that he never knew existed--and undercurrents he never could have imagined. He is forced to see that the consequence of rashness is blood and, uncontrolled, his own hate will kill him. Desperate to escape his embattled city, he scrambles toward freedom with his crippled friend Timler, a powerful and secretive man called DiRan, and his insane mother taunting him at every turn. But Takktin will soon discover that the Koyartan are not the only dangers hunting him--and running will not be enough.
and it ends here
This manuscript is complete and ready to be sent upon your request. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.
this is blather. You're awash in events. A good hook might have three events total. I'm absolutely unclear on the problem here. He's the bad guy? (brutal wrath he brought down on his people would seem to indicate that) He's the good guy (he's trying to escape the hell of his own making?). If he's the good guy, who are the bad guys?
Write short declarative sentences that flow one from another. If you end up with long ass sentence cause you feel you need to explain something, don't explain.