12.20.2006

HH Com 201 (197)

One girl. One parrot. One ancient kung fu mystery. Meet Jade, the White girl in the Wong family.

On the surface, Jade fits in perfectly. But just below the surface lurks the fragrance of ginger, ginseng and a secret kung fu society.

When her grandfather asks Jade to find his missing bird, things take a turn for the bizarre. Soon, Jade is diving deep into the seedy underbelly of Chinatown and keeping secrets from her best friends and her cute eco mentor Cedric, the president of EASY-Stud (the Ecological-American Society of Young Students), aka the hottest guy in school.

There are a lot of questions Jade wants answered. Is grandpa really a martial arts legend? What's the deal with Asiaphile teachers? Is it wrong to wear chopsticks in your hair? Can you like Hello Kitty and still be cool enough to sit near the A crowd during lunch time? When will her nerd cousin understand that there's a fine line between being chivalrous and downright stupid? When will Jade herself learn the same?

And how can you choose between a boy who is yum cha (yummy & charming)and one who's dim sum (dimpled & sumptuous) while hunting for a missing parrot who thinks he's John Wayne?

This is going to be good once you focus. Start with Jade. What's her problem OTHER than the cutsie list you've given us? If the only thing she's doing is navigating school, you're going to need more. There has to be real conflict. Tell us about that. Your last paragraph is a 'meanwhile' one. Meanwhile (as she solves the problem) hos can you choose...etc.

You've got a very good comic touch. Like perfume, too much is cloying.

25 comments:

Hypergraphia said...

White girl in the Wong family - I'm cracking up with your sense of humor! I think your hook was a little all over the place, but I think you have something here.

Tina said...

I agree -- the White/Wong line is a winner. It seems to imply, however, that Jade doesn't fit in perfectly on the surface. Was i misreading?

Anonymous said...

Love the opening paragraph. I'd read this if I knew what it was about.

RT

Marlo said...

The voice in this is great.

And, in this one, I think the lack of 'focus' is an important part of what makes it work for me. Although, I would open the book hoping it would read as genuinely random, and probably be disappointed. It's unbelievably hard to find good execution of funny and quirky...

Inkwolf said...

"Meet Jade, the White girl in the Wong family."

Cracked me up! I love your style, and would read this in a flash. Hope you get it publisjed!

Virginia Miss said...

I like the writing, in particular the first paragraph. The first three flowed really well, but then I got confused by the last two.

At first we're diving into the seedy underbelly of Chinatown, then we're worried about sitting at the cool table. I don't get the connection.

Read all the Snark comments for other submissions, and you'll figure out how to rewrite this.

Good luck

Anonymous said...

Reading your hook, it sounds like a chick lit meets Jet Lee, meets Joy Luck Club. If that's the case, then you'll probably have to be a little more specific about "the underbelly of Chinatown" and come out and say that she is attracted to the guy. I like the writing though.

Anonymous said...

I agree it needs some tightening, and it was a bit awkward how "kung fu mystery" or whatever was mentioned in both paragraph 1 and paragraph 2, but I really like this. Love the "yum cha, dim sum," line, and Jade sounds like a great MC. Keep up the good work, #201 (197?)

Jodi Meadows said...

Love this line: "Meet Jade, the White girl in the Wong family."

Too funny!

The rest was a little unfocused for me. I'm not sure what the story is *about*.

Anonymous said...

This cracked me up. Like someone said above, it's all over the place but I think that's part of its charm and the voice is great. I definitely want to read this.

Anonymous said...

That first paragraph--hysterical.
with more focus, less cliche, this is a winner.

Anonymous said...

I love your style of writing. And I thought the hook was fine. Listen to your own heart first, the criticism second.

Racy Li said...

I agree! The voice in this is great! Very unique premise.

wavybrains said...

Loved it!

JJ said...

White girl in the Wong family! I'm going to be giggling about that all day. That's awesome.

HawkOwl said...

I like it even less as a hook than as a New Beginning. Fortunately, now that you make it clear it's a comedy, that's exactly what I expect of your genre. Good luck with it.

Anonymous said...

Very funny.

But I wondered if you weren't writing a parody of a synopsis...

Anonymous said...

I'd buy this in a heartbeat.

Kiki said...

Thank you all for the feedback. It's helped me see the forest for the trees, so to speak.
I wanted to get the voice across more than the story, I suppose. I'll definitely catch that in the next edit!
\(^_^)/

skybluepinkrose said...

The voice and humor are real grabbers. I'd absolutely read this.

writtenwyrdd said...

I would pick this one up to read. It sounds funny and like it deals with real YA issues. Makes me think of Meg Cabot's writing or "Spy Goddess".

Anonymous said...

Just a little technical comment -- the proper term is "Sinophile" rather than "Asiaphile." Unless that was part of the humor, in which case nevermind!

xiqay said...

I liked this. Loved the voice, the humor, the situation.

Please follow Miss Snark's advice and let us know when this is ready.

Good luck.

A Paperback Writer said...

At first it sounded like YA fiction, then it didn't. I would definitely pick up this book to read, though.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Miss Snark (who wouldn't) and the other posters.

Love your comic voice, but get your plot down so we can have something to hold the giggles together.