HH Com 204 (200)

Marcus Jennings wakes from his cryogenic state, and into a post-apocalyptic future. Alone, naked, and with no memory of who he is; he sets out in search of answers, or maybe just a warm bed to rest in. What he encounters is a cruel, savage world of impoverished towns, starving people and a few power hoarders determined to keep it that way.

What Marcus does not know is there is a bounty on his head, the sum of which is to be paid by an unknown individual with great interest in ensuring Marcus does not see the light of day ever again: Marcus' existence is an accident, one that has to be corrected to protect the people.

While he roams the barren wasteland that is now his home world, he happens upon a nomadic warrior named Dias. Marcus becomes quick partners with him, as Dias promises to take him to an old sage who can restore his memories for him. Is Dias really a friend to be trusted, or just one of the few out to collect on the contract?

Well, this is a hook but it's not very compelling because the only stakes are whether the Naked Guy lives or dies. And of course we have a recruit for the Nameless Faceless Evil chorus kick line: the Rougettes of Rock Center.

Tell us why it matters that he live or die.


Anonymous said...

I love these kinds of stories, but MS is dead on, there better be a Terminator out there, and if there is, you need to bring him up in the hook.

Dave said...

Unless this is a raging piece of gay camp, waking naked and alone in the wilderness is not a hook.

There is no simple or nice way to say that.

Oh, it's a cliche, too. The pulp sci-fi series "John Carter of Mars" comes to mind. I read them with great pleasure many years ago.

I Said said...

I could be wrong, but cryogenics would presume that he is held suspended for a purpose, and that it was planned.

Why then weren't his bounty hunters smart enough to find him before he woke up?

If the world is in control of a few, one of whom is trying to kill him (btw, why?), then why are they paying to keep anybody in a cryogenic state?

Maybe you've got all these kinks worked out, but it has to be credible--even in a hook.

Marcus T said...

I am author of 204(200).

I promise you Miss Snark. It is not nameless faceless evil. I just wanted to let you know about the bounty, without telling you who was behind it. You never know about it until the end anyway, and by that time the person has a face.

Thanks for the feedback. Back to the drawing board for me.

Anonymous said...

oooo he's naked.

tee hee

jamiehall said...

The first paragraph tells us the situation the MC finds himself in. The second paragraphs tells us that people are out to get the MC. The third paragraph tells us that the MC makes a friend who could possibly be an enemy in disguise.

To me, this sounds like a good hook for the first three or four chapters of a book. Hopefully, more stuff happens later. Survival novels can be great, but if there's no over-riding principle or larger plot, it is hard to get excited about it by reading 250 words.

writtenwyrdd said...

New Jack City has a better stake than this: they want his body. What do they want with this guy? Woody Allen turned the idea into a comedy. I am not sure what this is meant to be.

You've got your standard "outsider to post-apocalyptic society" motif (Road Warrior redux) with a time travel kinda vibe. But because the hero is amnesiac, the whole thing starts with a void.

Make there be some stake, as in perhaps he's chased from the beginning and tries to find who he is while staying alive. He learns the world around him before he learns who he is. Somehow, his memories returnign are important to the solution (otherwise, don't bother).

This needs drama.

j h woodyatt said...

Okay, the chorus line of nameless, faceless evil needs to be added to the Lovecraftian mythos right this goddamn instant.

Anonymous said...

You know seb pho...author of 204 (200)...I quickly went over to your blog page to check you out(twice to make sure). I thought it was hysterical; loved it. And I read about a hundred blog pages a week for interviews and reviews. Most are self-indulgent, over calculated pieces of shit, written by jaded people who are looking for a change in mid-life, but don't have the money or talent to actually do it. Yours is quite the opposite in that you have a clear, articulate voice. Don't be discouraged by not writing the perfect hook...time was when you paid some shallow marketing people who never actually even read a novel straight through to write hooks and check spelling, but nowadays writers have to do everything themselves, from writing hooks to smiling at repulsive conferences where people are homely and wear bad clothes.

Take some of the magic you have in your blog posts and transger them to your writing...and don't try too hard, let it happen on its own. I'm marking it down and I'll try to help promote your blog in the future if I can find the angle. You know, the blog itself, if you just continue doing what you're doing, could be one hell of a platform builder. Not many bloggers can do this.

owlhaven said...

Mark Twain -- “naked people have little or no influence on society.”

LampLighter said...

This is the opening scene for a movie I saw in the last couple of years. Think it was a foreign film. Whatever, it was bad -- but badly memorable.