12.20.2006

HH Com 212 (208)

Hottie emperor Xim Rhoh has the perfect recipe to control his only Ainean competitor. Bad enough it’s difficult to hunt down the other Ain… they’re so similar to humans. Now he’s found one—impoverished eighteen-year-old orphan Esana—but he cannot bring himself to kill this only other one of his own kind. Not a problem. A naïve young woman from that barren rock of a planet, Jurien… shouldn’t be hard to control. So he gives Esana a taste of prison as an incentive, then puts her to work in his navy—where bam! Turns out this girl can kick some serious enemy ass. No one is more surprised than Esana. Xim promotes her… then corrupts her with money, power and fame, nurturing her desires until she cannot see past them. A year later she’s exactly where he wants her—wrapped around his finger.

But there’s a reality check coming. Esana needs to pull her head out and listen to her suppressed Ainean instincts if she wants to survive what’s ahead. The Ain’s ancient enemy, the yet-undiscovered vicious Asur, are dead set on finding her—why? She’s the avatar of a merciless enemy that once enslaved them. And they’re not taking chances this time around… they’re going to get her. And they won’t mind annihilating mankind in the process.


This is energetic writing. It's also a mess. Simplify. You should only focus on three things at most in a hook: the good guy, the bad guy and the stakes in the conflict. You're awash in adjectives. Pare down.

9 comments:

alisa said...

miss snark's right about the adjectives, though i'm thinking that's your attempt to world-build in the hook (and who can blame you for wanting to do that?).

despite that, i was hooked. i'd love to read this! :D

Anonymous said...

"Hottie emperor"?! I'm ROFL.

McKoala said...

Hottie, as in hot-looking, or is it the name of an alien race? Actually, I didn't follow the first three lines at all.

Writerious said...

Hottie? Kick ass? Wow -- a high-falutin' fantasy culture where everyone speaks like mall rats.

Could be fun if you can pull it off, but... I'd have to see.

Anonymous said...

I'd ditch the slang like "hottie" and "kick ass;" it belongs to present-day America, which is not where your story is set. You wouldn't describe a historical figure as "hottie Daniel Boone," right? It's just as much an anachronism here.

Inkwolf said...

I'd have a look at this one...sounds promising. Though the setting-up by Xim sounds like it ought to be backstory...

HawkOwl said...

The only sense I made out of it is that you're mocking your own plot so much, there's no need for anyone else to join in.

Pretty well written.

thraesja said...

I got lost in the grammar and lack of sentence flow. Others have mentioned the out-of-sync wording choices.

The emperor has hunted down all the other Ain, his own race, but can't kill the last one? Why hunt them all down if he didn't want them destroyed? He must have hunt them down, as he knows it is difficult to do. And who is he the emperor of? Humans? If they are so similar, why must he hunt down the Ain? They can't be that much more powerful than humans, as he is surprised when Esana -bam!- does so well.

The undiscovered Asur are the ancient enemies of the Ain, and also have another merciless enemy who enslaved them? And that enemy uses the enemy Esana as an avatar? I guess the enemy of their enemy...is their puppet?

I'm confused, but I like that the author is so gung-ho about his writing.

Anonymous said...

Some pretty severe grammar mistakes here. I'd suggest getting it (and the manuscript) proofed.