HH Com 215 (211)

Becoming a Protector like her parents had been Lianna's sole goal in life. Possessed of magical abilities, Protectors defended the less fortunate and preserved their people's way of life. It was all she'd ever wanted, until it happened. Suddenly, she was set apart from her peers by the large scope of her Talents and her bond with Gantcia, a feral lioness.

The two females are working with Ardan, the Highest of Magic, when they come across evidence of an ominous danger approaching. Their journey to reveal the source of the peril carries the three to the capital city where only their intervention is enough to save the king from treachery. Suspicious of further deceit, they convince a few trusted others to help ferret out a traitor they suspect close to the throne.

The three are caught in a sticky web spun by a devious enemy whose agents are already active throughout the land. As they chase rumors and work to cleanse their kingdom, they uncover flaws in their understanding of the Powers who created them, come to realize the faults in their own organization, and recognize how the society of Protectors must change if their people are to survive the coming ordeal. Lethal attacks force them to delve beyond the known boundaries of their magic, courting dangerous and long-lasting repercussions. They’ll need all their abilities and new friends to survive a well-connected traitor, unnatural evil minions and their own incredible magic in the face of a ghastly enemy.

this is blather, unfocused and not specific. "possessed of magical powers" is clunky in the extreme and I'd probably stop reading there because it's a big red flag for clunk to come.
(Clue: Protectors have magical powers to defend the less fortunate and preserve their people's way of life.)

Focus on the crux of the story. Work outward from there. Don't worry about describing things in detail or including all the events.


Anonymous said...

You know, magical bonding to animals is so common in middle-grade/YA (and even adult) fantasies, it's become cliche. You either need to do something fresh with that concept or have something else unique to make me want to read more.

thraesja said...

This is way too vague to hold my interest. It might be a good book, but my eyes glazed over and I couldn't read to the end of the hook. Magical abilities, ominous danger, source of peril, only their intervention, devious enemy, chasing rumours, cleansing the kingdom, etc., etc. What happens? Who does it happen to?

One thing I did catch: if Gantcia is an intelligent being, as it appears to me that she is, how is she feral? Feral beasts can't convince anyone of anything, and feral children can't adapt to a society. If that is anything other than poor word choice, you need to either expand on it, or leave it out of the hook entirely.