HH Com 236 (232)

"Life is what happens at the borders. Of Kingdom and Empire, parent and child, predator and prey." For young King Kieran of Minnaria, every border in his Realm is about to erupt in conflict. Most him call him coward, fool, butcher. A few think he's got everything his kingdom needs - except a future. Caught between the Prophecy that gives his kingdom hope and a Curse that demands his life, he must gather Minnaria's best and lead them out to do their worst. Meet 'The Storming Party':

His Queen: Lady Sarah leaves a life of quiet gentility to take up an unwanted Crown. To find the love of her dreams, she must conquer the city of her nightmares.

His Rival: Sarah's idol and champion. Born a commoner, Lord David Malcolm earned his title fighting Kieran. His sword idled by temporary peace, an ancient legend may yet gain him the Throne.

His Sister: Banished by her family's Curse to a world of nightmare visions, forgotten by the world of the living, Lady Heather's tormented mind holds the key to victory.

His Tutor: Lady Anya, Diplomat and magical Adept. Her beauty and grace hide a ferocious Power and a deadly secret - that even a Curse needs an instrument.

His Enemy: Ferinaya, Witch of Tordahal, a common sociopath with an unfortunate talent for magic, ambitious to become a Power of Creation.

Soldiers and servants, Powers and pirates will join in the fight from the borders of souls to the borders of reality.

But will any of them cough up a hook for dear Miss Snark?

This isn't a hook. This is a list of characters and some blather about them.

You probably know that by now.

When I see "Of Kingdom and Empire, parent and child, predator and prey" I pray a predator will swoop down with a copy of the Chicago Manual of Style. YES you can break the rules but you have to do so in a way that makes the writing BETTER not worse. This sentence doesn't mean anything at all.

And the plot is a king goes to war? Oh please. Killer Yapp goes to war every day. Give me a a juggernaut of Squirrels as the enemy before you want me to quit looking at him and start reading your pages.

This is unfocused. I'm sending you to the border.


colin macdougall said...

Well then, I'm off to the archives to learn better. Thanks for your time!

Rei said...


In addition to what MS mentioned, what you described is in every other fantasy book on the market. You have to stress what's *different* about yours.

Virginia Miss said...

I actually liked the first sentences (or sentence fragment). There looks like there might be an interesting book here somewhere, you just need to isolate it.

I'm currently working on a specific synopsis format requested by an agent, to whit: 1 paragraph hook, brief character intros, then the synopsis. This would work for that type of thing, but not for the meat of a hook in a query.

colinmacdougall said...

Actually that first fragment is dialogue - my fault for not making that clear. Thanks Rej, and Virginia Miss for the tips!