HH COM 237 (233)

Connie Mulqueen's lover is lying dead on the floor of room 217 in the Starlite Motel. Next to him, and just as dead, is Joey Paloma, the hired muscle sent by Connie's husband to catch her in the act.

The motel housekeeper claims that Connie ran out of the room, crashed into a cleaning cart along the balcony and then inexplicably ran back into the room. That's when the gunshots rang out.

Henry Templeton and his veteran partner, Rich Houghton are the detectives assigned to the case.

Always able to manipulate men, Connie senses a weakness in Templeton and uses it to her advantage, keeping him at bay and finally getting him suspended from the department.

Connie's intention is to wrest control of her husband's business empire away from him. Unknown to her, someone else is lurking in the shadows, seeking to destroy Connie and what she is trying to accomplish.

His personal life crumbling, Detective Templeton's growing attraction to Connie distorts his ability to make rational decisions, putting his career, his marriage, and both their lives in danger.

Well, you've got the idea of what a hook is supposed to be but the execution needs work. First, you generally don't want to start with a specific incident and get bogged down in that. You want to introduce Connie first. "Connie, fleeing the room 217 at the starlight motel and two dead bodies, needs to hold on to her now-dead husband's business empire. Detective Templeton, finding Connie a dish, is hard pressed to think with anything other than his...well, you get the idea.

Then give us the antagonist. Then give us the stakes.

Write a very very plain, unembellished hook in the right form. THEN you can tinker around with it and polish it up.

Start over.


Anonymous said...

The problem here is that you seem to be focusing on the wrong person. Either Connie is the MC - with her lover and her plot to take cover the husband's crime empire - or Henry Templeton is.

If it's Connie, then I think you should concentrate more on her plot. What's her plan, what's her husband do to stop her and how does the mysterious, shadowy figure enter the picture.

If it's Templeton (and I have to say that when I hear the name I think A-Team) then concentrate on him. Does he think Connie committed the murder, does he think she's being set up by husband and when does he realize she's destroyed his life.

Rei said...

I thought Connie was the antagonist.

xiqay said...

Who is the MC? Is it Templeton? (I'm thinking of the rat in Charlotte's Web!) If this is a mystery, and the purpose is to solve the murders of the dead lover and Joey Paloma (muscle), then it makes sense to have Templeton be the MC.

Start with him.

Connie's husband is still alive, right? (Despite what MS said).

As I understand your story:

Connie Mulqueen and her mafia husband are in a battle of sorts to control a business empire.

Connie has an affair and the husband sends Joey Paloma to catch her at it. Joey and the lover end up dead.

Templeton and Houghton are detectives assigned to the murder.

Connie entices Templeton with her sexy ways. He cheats on his wife with Connie, stops thinking rationally about the case and is suspended from his job.

Someone one else (unnamed and faceless evil?) lurks about and wants to thwart Connie from taking over her husband's business empire. And that's the villain (I think).

Now Templeton has to save himself and Connie.

I'm not really liking your story. I want someone to root for-flawed characters are okay, but they have to have enough good to make me want them to win.

So far, I don't like Connie. I don't much like Templeton. And the partner Houghton doesn't seem to be in the picture.

Maybe I'm supposed to be on the nameless, faceless evil's side?

Good luck.