12.21.2006

HH COM 238 (234)

Cadet Helena "Dray" Draybeck is determined to clear her family name by becoming the best fighter pilot in the Terran Alliance. Jordan Bowers is the only cadet who can beat Dray. But Jordan isn't looking for competition. She hides a secret that could ruin her career and alienate her from her only surviving relative. When an attack on the cadets' training facility drags the Terran Alliance into war, Dray and Jordan must confront their families' past in order to survive.

Clear her family name of what? It would also seem to me they need to survive the war in ORDER to confront their families' past.

This is pretty unspecific, and thus uncompelling. Go look at the hooks that worked and see how specifics and vivid language will help improve this.

3 comments:

Rei said...

Ouch. Vague *and* short, plus "Terran Alliance"? Who are they fighting, the Alien Empire?

Sandra said...

eep! Guilty as charged (hook author here). Difficult to get 'rid' of Terran Alliance because the main setup of the book is that humanity split into two distinct subspecies, the Terrans and the genetically modified Novans.

That said, it does ring hoaky and I'll have to try for an alternative...thanks for the comments!

xiqay said...

I never understand how becoming the best of anything clears a family name.

Also, I'm possibly confused by the sentence sequencing.

Jordan is the only cadet who can beat Dray.

Jordan isn't looking for competition. "She hides" a secret.

So from all of this, I take it that Dray needs to clear her family name. And Jordan needs to hide a secret.

There's an outside attack, war, and now Dray and Jordan have to look to their families' past to survive.

Is there any connection between Dray and Jordan's families? Is the past of each family interconnected?

Or are these two random characters experiencing similar problems? Why is the story better with two MCs having the same problem?

There's not enough here to comment further, but good luck.