HH Com 239 (235)

"Do you have any idea what can be done with just a single human soul?"

"I have ... seen the literature."

Two identical men wearing nearly-identical suits were planning to acquire a soul.

It was one of those rare dreams I remember after waking. I was aware I was dreaming during the whole damn thing. I don't get pleasant dreams, and dreams such as this one have a history of causing me trouble. They have a nasty habit of being true.

The identical men continued to speak. Their neck ties were the only way to distinguish them. One wore red, the other blue. Dark glasses hid their eyes. Then I noticed their mouths. Or rather, I noticed they had no mouths to speak of, just a flat, unnatural expanse between the nose and chin. Their voices sounded treated or artificial, an approximation of a human voice made by something which had never spoken aloud. Strangely, I had no trouble discerning which one was speaking at any given time. Clearly, these were not exactly men.

In the end, it doesn't really matter whose soul they were discussing. This conversation meant it was too late to save one life. However, a soul, in the wrong hands, is an extremely dangerous thing.

I've seen the literature too.

Upon waking, I had some of the vile substance that results from week-old coffee grounds and part of a stale donut. Something would have to be done about the identical men and their plan.

First person hooks do not work.

Start over and use the basic form: X is the main guy; Y is the bad guy; they meet at Z and all L breaks loose. If they don't solve Q, then R starts and if they do it's Lsquared.

Once you have the form down you can give it your own distinct style.


Fuchsia Groan said...

If this were a first page, I'd read on. Not a hook, but it has a voice and makes me wonder what the hell is happening. Yes, they say you should never open with a dream, but this is a really creepy dream, not the stereotypical wake-up-screaming nightmare.

However, I'm also wondering why anyone would mash old coffee grounds and a stale doughnut together into a "substance," since that's how it sounded. I just hope they weren't used coffee grounds...

December Quinn said...

Heh, fuchsia groan, I wondered the same thing about the "substance". Yuck.

I quite like this idea, and agree if it was a first page I probably would have kept reading...but I am getting tired of first-person POV being standard for urban fantasy.

xiqay said...

I liked this.

It seems creepy and paranormal and interesting.

I agree about the sentence with the substance. You mean he had some stale donuts and some of the vile substance made from week old coffee grounds.

Good luck.