HH Com 242 (238)

When Pan shows up unannounced in the game room, Tianna is peeved, but when he insists he needs her help she doesn’t just feel anger—she’s confused. After all what kind of help could a half-nymph reject give a god—the very god responsible for her reject status? She takes the job for the money and out of curiosity, but finds out that helping Pan find his lost pipes might also be the only way she can keep her own magic. (take this out) The Beginning is an Urban Fantasy complete at 82,500 words.(to here)

Tianna known simply as Anna Doe to her friends and clients has made a place for herself as a game player in a world that is in turmoil. Since the shimmer, the melding of the human world with the fey world, the world has been in a figurative as well as literal upheaval. Topography is changing and even mundane things like electricity are unreliable. Tianna has also noticed that her magic doesn’t always work the way it ought to. She must put aside her personal problems with the happy-go-lucky god who convinced her mother to give her to humans to raise in order to solve they mystery and keep magic in the new world.

You've said the same thing twice, the second with more world building. We need to know the antagonist and the stakes. So Pan doesn't get his pipes? He can just smoke a fag, right?

I kind of like this but I'd say no to this hook cause it's not telling me enough.

1 comment:

shannon said...

The wording here is very confusing. I've read it three times and I'm still not positive I've got it right. There are too many character descriptions cluttering it up, and the way it's worded made it unclear at first - and second - reading, just who was who.

You've tried to integrate the world-building into the hook but it sticks out like a sore thumb, and a confused thumb at that. What is the real motivation? When did the "shimmer" happen, recently? Because Pan wants her to find his pipes? (that's a bit weak, by the way.) Why does he need her help, she's a "reject" after all. If the magical world and the human world (that's a bit arrogant - we do share it already, you know) have merged, why aren't there more reliable god-offspring to help him? Where is everyone else?

"She must put aside her personal problems" - her anger at mummy for adopting her out to humans? Her anger at Pan for making her mum do it?

"After all, what kind of help could a half-nymph reject give a god" - you said it. Tell us.