12.15.2006

HH Com 26

Mirella spat a wad of bloody spittle on the floor. "My dear governor, if you want me out of this dress, just ask." She pulled at the torn bodice until he could see her left breast. "See how you've ripped it?" she said mockingly.

This time he came at her with a storm of blows and curses. She quickly learned the difference between the smack of his hand and the sharp thud of his fist. With every hit he scratched an itch she'd never been able to reach. She'd wanted this for a very long time, she realized.
As the blood stung her eyes and she felt the dress falling away, she heard herself laughing. His rage coursed through her in tingling waves of hate, and the more he struck her, the more alive she felt. She wanted more. More punches. More kicks. More hate. She wanted to see just how much she could take.

Finally Carrock lifted her up by her tattered dress. Mirella's temple pulsed with fresh pain. Hair stuck to her face in sticky, bloody curls.

"What hell are you from?" he hissed.

Mirella smeared the blood out of her eye. It was already swelling shut. Yet she took in what the pain permitted. There. Underneath his rage, she sensed desire, like a caged lion poised to strike as soon as its master turned his back.

She decided to let the lion out.

"Are you ready for me now, my love?" She grabbed his crotch and squeezed.


Well, this is a page from the novel, not a hook.
And you've got a strange idea of what a caged lion is capable of doing (think about it).

23 comments:

Gerri said...

*crosses her fingers and hopes this is something from a BDSM erotica novel and not something intended to be mainstream/genre*

Rashenbo said...

You know... I've read a few pieces where characters were turned on by bits of danger and pain... but a beating to the point where blood is flowing and an eye is swelling shut... I mean, let's think about the physiological affects here... It's one thing for some spankings, pinchings... even candle wax... but my reader belief just can't hang with this.

A Paperback Writer said...

Gee, I thought the term "bodice-ripper" was just because of the pictures on the covers. Silly me.

blissbat said...

Ew. Ew. WTF?

Anonymous said...

Eww. I'm a masochist, and even I find this icky. I hope it's not BDSM erotica.

Naf said...

Wow.

randomsome1 said...

Um, what? O_o

So she's got a guy who can't figure out if he's beating her or ripping her clothes off, probably has some broken ribs if she's being kicked with force--and the author thinks that the MFC would be able to just shrug off the breathing problems/punch-drunkenness and want to have sex after that? There's better excuses for the caged lion to hump its master.


So is this an example of lack of research of bodily limitations and headshot aftereffects? The spelling seems awfully good for the author to have been typing with one hand.

ello said...

I'm surprised that Miss. Snark posted these clear "one pagers" even though this crapometer was specifically for hooks and she vowed to be a cruel taskmaster.

That aside, this was definitely not my cup of tea and let's leave it at that.

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO...this is so much fun:)

HawkOwl said...

Violence is shocking. This is just tedious. Whatever you were going for, you missed.

Anonymous said...

Really off-putting as a woman. Nothing I'd EVER EVER want to read as someone who reads in nearly every genre. Like the first comment, I'm seriously hoping this is not meant to be mainstream, because a woman getting the shit kicked out of her and liking it -- Not so sexy. Not so appealing.

I'd never have read beyond the first two sentences if this had been a book.

cm allison said...

Not for me, even in the BMS Erotica line. All I can think of with this is an ending of the girl being killed. Not at all for me.

MWT said...

After an opening like that, I'm expecting that the next thing we find out is that Mirella is some kind of demon, not a normal human woman.

December Quinn said...

I really hope this isn't BDSM erotica, either, because if it is the author needs to do some more research.

BDSM isn't about just beating the hell out of people. Abuse is abuse.

As an opening, I say ew. Further into a book, the scene might interest me. Not titllate me, but interest me. The governor is a disgusting man. If he's the villain, and Mirella is playing a game of revenge to bring him down, this might work.

Anonymous said...

This is wrong! I command you to stop writing and get a job. Do you really believe this would go to print one day. It totally turned me off and I love porn with a bit of spanking. But, in no way will I enjoy a beating and blood. Yuck!

Anonymous said...

Author said: She pulled at the torn bodice until he could see her left breast. "See how you've ripped it?" she said mockingly.
*********************
He ripped her breast? Shouldn't she go to the hospital now? She has the strength and clarity to speak mockingly after her breast has been ripped off of her body? Oh wait, is she referring to her ripped dress? The "it" is unclear.
Aren't we supposed to be sending in our best work for Miss Snark?

luna_the_cat said...

What everyone else said....Ew. 0_o

There are dark corners of the internet where this kind of stuff lurks. I think it's better off there.

Ski said...

Governor...? This didn't happen in Arkansas during the 80's did it?

Rgds...........Ski

thraesja said...

I hated the first line. It was yucky, and having someone who spat spittle just seems repetitive to me. "Mirella spat blood onto the floor" would be better, but is still a nasty image to start with.

I also hope that she is some sort of demon, as no woman actually wants to be beaten half to death and then have sex. Some may have fantasies about it, but it certainly wouldn't be one that they'd play along with if it came true.

Bodice-ripping, itch-scratching, lion-caging...please douse the cliche fires.

As for the the pronoun confusion mentioned above, the character's dialogue makes it clear what noun is meant. She last refers to the dress; the breast is in the description. Still, it is awkward enough to warrent a rephrase.

I might read a bit further just to figure out WTF, but it's too gory/icky for mainstream, and not accurate enough for BDSM.

Anonymous said...

It's my entry (anonymous though I may be) and I appreciate the feedback.

I had written a true jacket-copy hook for her but reading through her last bout of entries, they didn't read like jacket-copy hooks. And her ultimate guideline was you had 250 words to hook her, no other rules. So at the last minute, and to my detriment, I found an intense scene from my novel instead.

I should have submitted the original hook I wrote!

To the BSDM/pr0n readers out there: This is in fact the only real scene of abuse, and there's a good reason it all goes on. But even Hemingway couldn't put that in there in 250 words.

Oh well. There's always the next Crap-O-Meter.

Now back to editing.

JPD said...

Dear anonymous writer,

I'm unpublished, so consider the source. I'll agree that "graphic" has a proper time and place, but I'm guessing that your hook was not the proper place for this paticular section.

There's no way for anyone reading your story to answer the question of WHY she ripped off her own bodice and taunted the man who was beating her. You might have a damn good reason which answers the question "what hell are you from?" but in its present form it reads like a toxic hook. Eww, indeed...

Before you throw your characters over the edge, you may need to establish a reason why we should empathize with them, so that we understand the pain they're enduring.

Otherwise, it just sounds like hard-core porn. I'm assuming your story was more than that, and that it actually shows complex characters in awkward environments.

JPD (hoping that's what the author meant!)

Anonymous said...

JPD,

In retrospect that's exactly what I did wrong. Without context the scene doesn't work, but of course, as the author of 90,000 words, I see them all, so it wasn't obvious to me that these 250 looked so out place without their predecessors.

I don't blame the critics here for their reaction. I would have had the same reaction, given they only had these 250 to work with.

And for the record, these two did NOT have sex. She taunted him to get away, and it worked just like she hoped it would. And she learned a valuable lesson about herself.

Should I ever get this thing published, Miss Snark and YP will be getting an acknowledgement!

JPD said...

Dear writer,

Sorry for the delay, but I tend to forget all of the postings that I've blogged recently. I read your message, and hope to buy your book someday, off the rack at my local bookstore.

Best wishes and Merry Christmas!

JPD