HH Com 268 (265)

Someone or some ones are taking out the city's lowlifes. And nobody feels like finding out who or why. It's not even being reported upon. Only vague whispers of yet another criminal's bad deeds coming back to finish him. The police are happy because their work is being done better than they are allowed. The public is happy because what's one more drug dealer gone. The underworld is happy because it opens more opportunities for advancement. As long as you don't get caught by the Feds or the Finishers.

Jacob Reilly cares. As a paramedic he is seeing Armageddon play out in the city's meanest streets. The backlashes are becoming more pronounced. When some of the city's crime bosses are Finished all out chaos ensues, with wannabes attempting to claw their way up the criminal network. As he loads yet another kid caught in the crossfire into the coroner's van, guilt that he was unable to save another innocent victim builds within him.

Jacob's world is shaken when he is found in a tenement apartment with a dead couple. Holding their daughter. Only the fact that he is half dead saves him from immediate incarceration. But the jury is still out on whether he is the Finisher. Suddenly he finds himself not in the position of savior, but defendant. Because unless he can identify the Finisher, he's going down for him. And he's afraid it won't be the Feds who decide his guilt.

Start over. Use the format I suggested in #239.
You might have a good idea here but I can't get a sense of it from all the words flying around.


wavybrains said...

Your third paragraph is your strongest in my opinion. I'm digging this concept.

chimeralife said...

Thanks! Funny how it sounded so crisp on Friday.

But it is a wip, so hopefully I'll be able to whip it around soon. At least in time for the next COM. If Her Snarkiness ever recovers from this one.

Anonymous said...

Okay, this is pretty clear IMO as a hook, but I find myself rooting for The Finisher. If it comes to it, and the only good thing that comes out of finding The Finisher is that he goes down for the crimes and goes to jail or gets wasted, but The finisher gets to keep wasting the drek, I'm still gonna be pulling for The finsher. Did you intend that? Not too interested at this point about the kid, unless he's the ione that has to take over parenting duties.

Anonymous said...

Like the concept a lot, but the hook needs to be tightened up quite a bit.
Try starting with "Vigilantes called the Finishers are taking out the city's lowlifes and no one much cares except Jacob Reilly. As a paramedic, ...." and go from there. Bring Jacob's problem toward the fore almost immediately. You also need to decide if there is one Finisher or a bunch of Finishers because that has a bearing on how Jacob is going to prove his innocence. I'm rooting for the group concept myself. You've got a very promising story here.

xiqay said...

I didn't get very far into your query. I was bothered by the grammar or use of language.

"someone or some ones are..." [awkward? plural usage? subject noun agreement?]

"It's [without a clear antecedent] not even ...

Only vague whispers...[fragment]

The public is happy because what's one more... [sounds wrong]

As long as you...[jarring use of "you", fragment]

I'm not a grammarian. (Obviously, since I can't tell why some of these things bother me.) But every sentence in the first paragraph set my teeth chattering.

Thought you should know.

good luck.

good luck.

jamiehall said...

I like it, except that you spend too much time explaining why we shouldn't be rooting for The Finisher. You need to find a way to write your hook so that (1) we don't want to root for The Finisher and (2) not so much space is wasted on convincing us not to root for The Finisher.
Good luck! You've got one of the most appealing bad guy types, so it's going to be hard work.

Anonymous said...

Hey author, I could read it just fine. Hope you can get the grammar straightened out. Find a good editor and keep on going! Loved the premise.

tomdg said...

What I like about this one: all those people who don't care, and yet Jacob does care because he's a paramedic. I like him because unlike everyone else, he sees lowife scum as people.

I think the "innocent kid caught in the crossfire" detracts from that for me though - and why should he feel guilty about a murder someone else has committed?

I also think that, particularly with him being a paramedic, you need an awful lot more than the circumstantial evidence you provide before there's a serious risk of him going to jail.

But it's an interesting premise. Amd Miss S didn't pull you up for "nameless, faceless evil" so you must be doing something right.

Elfje said...

I liked it. The hook is not as vivid or as sprightly as it might have been, but you have one great idea for a novel here. You totally hooked me, and I think you only need a bit of rephrasing before you can hook lots of others as well! Go you!