HH Com 281 (279)

Elowen Cedric, Chief of Police of Olanbrigid, Seredinia, is trying to hold her town and her life together. Attacks against refugees from neighboring Fershan threaten to spark a race war. El's husband resents the demands of her job on their family, and the town magistrate is threatening to call a vote of confidence on her office.

Twenty-year-old Lim Shu, a student at a monastic college in Fershan, sits on the edge of expulsion. (here perhaps?) Lim's friends are exchanging engagement necklaces, but Lim's beloved, the tight-lipped translator Seamas of Olanbrigid, has yet to give him one. What's more, Brother Seamas is talking in his sleep--speaking of a long-lost love that still haunts him, more than a decade later.

After the murder of his wife, Seamas of Olanbrigid returned to Fershan and entered a monastery. Twelve years later, Seamas finds himself sent back to Olanbrigid to investigate a series of crimes against the refugee community where he grew up. Lim is sent with him, to his chagrin, for the last thing Seamas wants is his for his eager young lover to dig up the secrets he thought he'd left behind.

As leader of the Fershan refugees in Olanbrigid, Wulfram Astryku enforced religious law through intimidation and murder. When the empress of Fershan invited him back into her service, Wulfram worke dahrd to cover up his misdeeds. Now his estranged grandson, Seamas, has returned to Olanbrigid, and Seamas's investigation threatens to reveal all Wulfram has sought to hide.

These are character sketches. You've got too many people to keep track of in this short piece. Pick one or two, not more. Then follow the form. Then eject what you don't need and add what you do.


cm allison said...

Just want to be clear: Seamus is a widower, but his new love (Lim) is male, right?

jamiehall said...

To me, this seems like a list of events and characters, not a hook.

A Paperback Writer said...

The names were a little hard to follow, but, even though it's not a good hook, I found the ideas interesting. Keep working with these characters.

Angus Weeks said...

What is "threatening to call a vote of confidence in her office" mean? Did you mean no-confidence?

I'm not sure what the purpose is of the lady in the first paragraph. At the moment she is one of those winged horses Miss Snark talks about, who frustrate because they don't appear again. Of course, it could be obvious and I'm just confused.

Anonymous said...

Okay, read it and re-read it several times. What I'm gathering here is that the plot is that the chief of police, Seamas and the student that's about to be expelled are all (?) investigating the murders by the intimidating and murderous Wolfram.

Okay, are the stakes just to oust him, or is he trying to take over the whole shooting match? If he's there to take over, then the hook should disclose that.

I really like the refugee camp angle, makes it feel real. But you should probably keep the personal stuff they're going through out of the hook unless that's the plot (i.e. investigator's life will be destroyed if attention isn't diverted immediately to the home front instead of the case)