HH Com 285 (283)

Hijacking I-pods for batteries. Tearing up back-packs for head bandages. --All in a superhero's day's work? ILLIANA begs to differ.

Even someone brought up in a community of "Neosapiens" is at a bit of a loss when her whole high school of fellow Neos drop into comas, except for three guys. With a little primitive first-aid they try to make everyone safe. Then they walk into the city to find out what's going on.

In "World Domination 101", only five of these superpowered people (of a world-wide network of such Neosapiens), are still conscious. The fifth just broke out of jail. When brought to the capital for investigations, the four students are never once out of a whirlwind of political publicity. "Team-building" becomes something to hind behind hands of rummy, their powers a way to diffuse tension building under the cameras, and banter the only thing preserving a semblance of control. But their dynamic better shape up, or HADRIAN, a renegade Neo with too much agenda, might get what he wants.

Illiana can find him, JUDE can give his family history, ALTAIR can run faster than his mind-control can reach, and NICK can direct a retrieval team (or pulverize him) but Hadrian's plans are only becoming apparent slowly...as slowly as he can enact them. The cost is telling on Illiana first, though, and that might be the key to stopping him.

uhhhh....what?? Illiana is one of five Neosapiens not to fall into a coma suddenly. With her four compatriots she goes into the city to find out who pulled the plug. Hadrian a renegade Neo wants to.... Meanwhile, the people in the city think the five are...

Illiana must do X to save Y, or Z will happen, and even if she manages X ,and Z happens, there's S to consider. ( S happens. It's a fact.)

This might work but right now it's confused muddle.


Writerious said...

Sounds kind of like a superhero video game crossed with .

shannon said...

What was this person on? Is it an alternate reality or are they mutants rubbing shoulders with the "norms"? (And what's with all the quotation marks?)

I'm sorry, but reading this gave me a complete headache. What does "something to hind behind hands of rummy" mean? The wording isn't great: "their dynamic better shape up" - I know what you mean, but this adjective used in this way is just plain weird. I take it "banter the only thing preserving a semblance of control" means they have witty dialogue - but you really need to work of writing these, because this would not make me enthusiastic about reading the manuscript itself.

For some reason, Neosapiens made me think Neanderthals. Don't ask me why. You mean mutants, like in Dark Angel or X-Men or Mutant X? They need a much cooler name.

The list of attributes in the last paragraph - aside from being unhelpful in the hook - were confusing. "Illiana can find him" - him who? "Jude can give his family history" That's really going to help them, I can just picture it now: "Hey man, help!" "My grandmother's mother, Rose, was born in 1841." He must be really jealous of Altair, who "can run faster than his mind control can reach" ...

The point being, it's confusing, I have to think too much to figure it out, and that's not what you want. Personally, I love X-men and all that, but I'm not even sure that's what this is like.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm sensing X-Men type of stuff here. That's fine, I love that, but the "too much of an agenda" should be defined, and I agree with shannon as to the writing. I think a lot of these hooks, the ones that are into the higher numbers, may have been written in haste. This hook looks like one of those. Writing this hook should probably take two months of writing and re-writing to get the words just right.