HH Com 287 (286)

Meira Domonic is killed in the inner city. There are no witnesses, but her brothers-in-arms know exactly how she died and what killed her. They mourn her loss and move on, the world seeming a little grimmer, a little darker as they continue their fight.

For Meira’s sister Hunter Michael Domonic and for Commander Simon Bishop of the Angelline Order, her death is something more – and not just because of their feelings for her. The once-human that killed her is more powerful than any other in the history of the Angelline Order for, when Taint stripped it of its humanity, it left not mere predatory instinct, but dark intelligence and abilities.

For her brother Amon, “special employee” of Darksun International – the largest corporation no one’s ever heard of – it is but another step into the dark world of Taint that lurks beneath our own. Each question he asks about his sister’s mysterious death leads him deeper into that world, and chillingly, Darksun seems to know all the answers.

Michael’s rescue of a little girl named Suzie may be the key to their search – or the key to the door that keeps the floodgates of Taint from bursting and enveloping the world in its dark corruption. Suzie’s nightmare visions tell them that somehow the Tainted One that killed Meira is the most dangerous creature that has ever walked the Earth. It must be found before it finds Suzie and makes Suzie’s dark visions a reality

You lead a hook with a character who's dead? Uhh...no.

Who's the main character? It seems to be Suzie since the's the one the bad guy wants to chomp on. Whomever it is, start with them. Then give us more about the forces oppposing them.

"most dangerous creature that ever walked the earth" is hyperbolic blather and it doesn't work. Scary is what's known and immediate.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'd like to know what the creature can do to a man, and is Suzie "The Golden Child" or just a little girl with a bit of special talent.

Kit Whitfield said...

It sounds as if Michael and Suzie are the lead characters, so lead with them. The first paragraph concluding that her brothers 'move on' makes it sound as if Meira's death wasn't very important.

If, on the other hand, you begin with 'The Domonic brothers' world was always hard, committed as the are to fighting the Taint, which does such-and-such. The death of their sister in X circumstances makes it still darker. They investigate it, and find out ... Then Michael finds Suzie, whose effect on the plot is this...', then you're placing things in a more active order. A gruesome unexplained murder is fine for a prologue, but with limited hook space, I'd pick out the hero and foreground them straight away.

You seem to have an interesting mix of high-fantasy Evil Force and modern urban corporations. That could be good if you can pull it off, but at the moment, it seems like two disparate elements. How do they link? What's this world like? Don't waste space on scene-setting, but a bit more clarification would help.

Sounds like it might have a readership if it's well written.

Anonymous said...

Is there a reason not to call her Mara Dominic?

John Anthony Sperling said...

Taint? You really can't use Taint. It's slang for a part of the body, and will make for unintentionally hilarious phrases such as "fighting the Taint," "scared of the Taint," "oh no, here comes the Taint," etc.

Hypergraphia said...

"the largest corporation noones ever heard of"... that which must not be named? That sentence just read a little strange to me.
I agree w/Kit about the first paragraph when they "move on"...it was like "okay that's that. moving on." It seems contradictory to the story.
I'm sure the bulk is here. The difficulty is in the hook. Good luck!

Virginia Miss said...

This confused me. Too many characters to keep track of, too much stuff in the hook.

By reading so many hooks like this, I'm starting to understand how important it is to keep these to the bare bones story lines -- especially in fantasy.

Anonymous said...

john anthony sperling has an EXCELLENT point. And owes me a keyboard.