HH Com 306

Rodents give the farm on Eason’s Hill a wide berth-- for reasons that are less than obvious. The cats who live there are different than normal cats, especially Samantha. The rats on neighboring farms call her ‘the Witch Cat’ and the name isn’t far from the truth. People joke about cats having ‘magical qualities’ but in Sam’s case this would be a mistake. She can do things that are far from normal. To anyone passing by the quaint farm it might seem like a pleasant enough place, but there are well-hidden secrets kept there; secrets even she is unaware of. Now, a long forgotten danger, searching for her from a place she can only vaguely remember, is stalking her small makeshift family; bringing with it concealed memories of her murdered parents and clues to a dark legacy she could never have imagined. As secrets from her past, present and veiled future begin to reveal themselves, the odds of her family’s survival are dwindling. If she only knew how horrible the price would be in uncovering the missing memories of her past, she might have chosen to run instead of fighting for her home.

Magic cats.
I hear Killer Yapp falling off the couch in his zeal to get right over there to kick ass and take names.

You've got one good line "Rodents give the farm on Eason’s Hill a wide berth" and then you fall off the couch into a pool of blather.

Use the form
X is the main guy;
Y is the bad guy;
they meet at Z and all L breaks loose.
If they don't solve Q, then R starts and if they do it's Lsquared.

to help you figure out what you want to say. Then redraft.

Then watch out for KY. I'm not sure how he got your address but he's got his metrocard and skateboard. I think he's on his way.


Inkwolf said...

Gotta agree with Miss Snark...this one has all the earmarks of a book I'd read, but the details were so vague I have no idea what it's about, outside of the magical cat.
What I got sounded promising, though!

Anonymous said...

Oh, c'mon, Snarkest. From what my head's a gathered by readin' this site, your champagne caviar guzzlin' Yapper couldn't find stink in a garbage can!

Ship his curly white butt to Arkansas. Squirrels and cats ain't nothin' ta brag on. We'll hunt 'em on wild boar. If he kain't cut it, I'll send ya back a pair of white mittens.

Haste yee back ;-)

Rainbow's Margarite said...

How dare you insult my cheri! If I can't whip you with KY's help, I'll get my (BIG!) brother to help!

Besides, KY likes cigars and port, I'm the champagne and caviar

Maggie Bichon

jamiehall said...

You've got two distinct sections here. Everything that comes before "Now, a long forgotten danger" is one section, and everything that comes after is a different section. Each section has a different tone, and its own problems.

The first section is backstory, world-building and character description, nothing else. All are bad things to insert in a hook in any quantity more than the minimally required amount. None of these should dominate a hook.

The second section is a plot description, but it is jumbled together in a confusing way. Even worse, it gets vague about each point that seems like it might be interesting. You want to be more specific about anything that would catch an agent's interest.

Anonymous said...

Is this a YA novel? I don't write or read them, but I'm wondering what's up with the animals as characters. Of course it's YA. Don't be silly.

Hey, let KY know there's a cat next door with three legs and a go-ahead,-impress-me look on it's face. I hear it chewed through a Burberry tote bag once.

word verification: anknknt (the sound of skateboard on sidewalk)

NitWitness said...

Thanks for all the comments. I've been having a real problem with building a hook for this YA piece.

One character (introduced in chapter two) is a minion of the true antagonist, the long forgotten danger (ie; the dog who killed the protags parents) doesn't come into play for a few more chapters. His part is actually a twist point of the plot; as there is a more sinister danger working behind him. I pruned one line from the hook:

People with a lust for power will go to great lengths to obtain their desires, even if it means tampering with nature.

but maybe should have kept it. Getting the red herrings into place without making them obvious has been tough.

Ah, well. MS gave me a fresh perspective to look at it again. I’ll keep working on it using the XY template.