HH Com 31

Welcome to the future. In ‘The Ventari Incident’, Andrea Branch, Captain of the United Space Colonies Vessel Phoenix, is the leader of a group of physically and mentally enhanced soldiers, called Hunters, whose sole mission is to hunt down and capture escaped fugitives. On this particular mission, they are chasing one Jacob Small, a multiple murderer and basically all-around nasty guy, when the Phoenix crash-lands on Ventari, a planet with no formal diplomatic ties to the United Space Colonies. On a distant hillside, Mangus Brackmere and his team, Patrol One, just witnessed firsthand the fiery crash of the Phoenix, and they race towards the wreckage, hoping to find survivors. What Mangus doesn’t know is that there are Hunters on board, and that the man they hunt has been hiding on his planet the whole time.

What originally started out as an urgent mission to capture a fugitive now becomes a race against time as more information is revealed about the fugitive Small. Originally a Hunter himself, he went rogue; and now he has his former commander, Captain Branch, personally overseeing his hunt and capture. Andrea and the Hunters, trying to deal with the deaths of almost every crew member aboard the USCV Phoenix, must place their trust in a small band of soldiers on a distant world, or their mission will fail, and more could die.

The Fugitive in Space...with better abs.

Now, here's how The Fugitive is described:

Noted surgeon Richard Kimble is wrongfully accused, tried and convicted for the brutal murder of his wife. A failed escape attempt by other prisoners gives Kimble his opportunity to escape execution. The only option and purpose he has left is to discover who really murdered his wife and clear his name. On his trail is persistent US Marshal Samuel Gerard who slowly comes to believe that the original case might not be as clear cut as was first believed.

See the difference?


HawkOwl said...

I was done at "welcome to the future." What could you possibly have said that would be more hackneyed than this?

Anonymous said...

You might have a really cool plot and some interesting characters but I can't get beyond the HUGE sentences you want me to digest as I read. Because I have time on my hands this morning, I counted the words in each of your sentences. Here's the list:

3 (great start!)
39 (wtf?)
38 (I'm skimming now, trying to see some white space)
42 (well, you lost me. There's a reason I don't pick up Clancy for an enjoyable evening read. Waaaaay too clunky.)

If this hook is an example of your novel, you might want to streamline. You could drop half the words (No, I do not jest...I did the same thing to my own first novel...) and come up with a clean, fast-paced, edgy version that might actually sell.

Anonymous said...

"Hunters"? Can we get more original than that? Sorry, I was done when I saw the names.

Anonymous said...

Why are they alwasy crashing their frickin' space ships?

Gimme a controlled landing where everyone is competently doing their duty and maybe we'll talk.


Mr. Spacely,
Spacely Sprockets

Virginia Miss said...

I stopped reading when I came to "is the leader of a group..." in the first paragraph instead of "leads a group."

Anonymous said...

The second sentence nearly killed me. The last sentence did.

However, with a rewrite, this might interest me enough to give it a try, if the novel is rewritten to match the new-found brevity of the hook. A healthy sprinkling of periods should help.