12.22.2006

HH Com 318

It is a bloody exciting holiday season in Cripple Creek, Colorado. The ritualistic murder of a casino worker in a deserted parking lot on New Year’s Eve awakens blackjack dealer Rhi Brennan’s lost memories. She has lived and died in a past era of “the greatest gold rush camp in history”. And a combination of high altitude and hard liquor won’t erase the notion that in her last life, she didn’t die well.

Many old timers and the local chapter president of the Alien Abductees Club claim the devil has come back to town after a hundred year absence. After all, the door to Hell is just down the road.

Rhi, unfortunately, has dreamed the exact location of the key to that door. Now, everyone from immortal crusader knights, demons and vampiric gold rush madams to sleazy pit bosses want a piece of her. In some cases, literally.

Beyond the faux gas streetlights and neon, Rhi must figure out her past to save humankind, who she doesn’t think much of these days. With the aid of a cowboy, a smart-mouthed ex-marine/single mom and a survivalist who is a VIP customer at “M-16s R-US,” Rhi sets herself and her slobbering, mystical bloodhound, Ellie Mae, against an ancient evil who would unleash the occupants of the Great Pit on the world.


Well you've got the clever description part down, but now you need a hook. This isn't it, for all the usual reasons.

Start with this
X is the main guy;
Y is the bad guy;
they meet at Z and all L breaks loose.
If they don't solve Q, then R starts and if they do it's Lsquared.


then elaborate and make it your own.

4 comments:

cm allison said...

But it intrigues me! Keep plugging so i can find it in a store someday, just enough quirkiness to interest me!

dana p said...

I really like this -- it's pithy, well-written, and full of sass. Also, a dog.

I'm left wondering about MS's hook format, Y is the bad guy. It looks like there are multiple bad guys here: "everyone from immortal crusader knights, demons and vampiric gold rush madams to sleazy pit bosses." It that Not A Good Thing? Must there always be one Biggest, Baddest Guy in order for a story to work? (And if so, would it be the "ancient evil who would unleash the occupants of the Great Pit on the world"? Is that the main antagonist in this story? Just wondering, trying to figure out why MS doesn't like this as much as I do...)

Anonymous said...

This sounds eerily like two different stories I'm currently writing mashed together.

tia nia said...

dana p: seems to me there's a huge difference between many bad guys and the main bad guy. Like in a Kung Fu movie when the hero confronts a small army of anonymous attackers (boring, like watching an aerobics video) versus when he confronts the ultimate evil, the mad genius who orchestrated it all. When he confronts the mad genius it ought at least to give the illusion that the hero might lose.