HH Com 320 (319 ate dessert)

What if the President's worst enemy were his own running mate?

White House staffer Emma Patchett has a powerful mentor in Veronica Diener, the Vice President of the United States. Emma and V.P. Diener both come from powerful political families, went to the same university, and share the same driving ambition. Emma is determined to follow the V.P. to the White House after the next election.

But when the Norwegian Oil Minister dies with his head on her dessert plate, a victim of poison, Emma becomes enmeshed in a conspiracy that threatens her idealistic beliefs. To protect a friend implicated in the minister’s death and with the assistance of her Secret Service suitor, Emma uses her top-level access to probe into the Vice President’s private affairs. What she discovers forces her to choose between her ambition and her mentor on one hand, and her integrity on the other.

While in Norway with the Vice President, Emma discovers evidence linking the Vice President to an assassination plan targeting the President of the United States. Kidnapped on the streets of Oslo and forced to parachute into the remote Norwegian wilderness, Emma has to escape her captors and contact the Secret Service.

You're awash in description and backstory. Start with the Oslovian corpse and go from there. Who's the bad guy? The Veep? Yawn. a Secret cabal of businessmen intent on tying up the world's oil supply? yawn.

And was his head on her "dessert plate" before he croaked or did his head land there as a consquence of death? Inquiring minds want to know.


December Quinn said...

Wow, I think this sounds pretty cool! But then I'm into assassinations.

Of the fictional variety, I mean. Of course.

Michele said...

I loved the very first line, but then I didn't see what the rest of the hook had to do with that premise. What I expected was something like:

President X is running for re-election with VP Veronica Diener. But the easy formula unravels when a Norwegian oil minister is poisoned at a fund-raising dinner. With Diener accused of both murder and espionage,yadda yadda yadda

wavybrains said...

You use V.P. then vice president then V.P again--and you repeat "of the united states" way to many times--you probably don't need the "of the United States" at all--but eliminating the extra uses would give you more words to work with.

BernardL said...

I agree with Ms. Quinn. It's again pulp fiction, and a compelling storyline, which is only a yawn if you're expecting errant Tooth Fairies. :) The last paragraph was a little rough, but I was hooked.

Zany Mom said...

I like this, too. The hook needs a bit more tightening and punch, but this sounds like it's right up my alley.

Ski said...

If I were shopping for political intrigue I would surely give this a look. I found your writing to be smooth and you never lost me. Those are important points, (it's more than I can say about many of the other submissions) and so I'd like to see more.

Good Luck


Anonymous said...

there is no oil minister in norway.


/anynomous norwegian

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the supportive comments, y'all. I'll try not to be too discouraged. The hook sounds dry, I think, compared to the story. At least, I hope the novel isn't dull! (There's no cabal, at least.)

If anyone wants to critique the first chapter, I'd be grateful for your input. It is at www. rorhus. com.

Hope all the snarklings had a very merry holiday!

Anonymous said...

Oh, anonymous Norwegian -

In the book he is introduced by his real title - Minister of Petroleum and Energy, but in the hook I had to shorten it.

Takk for kommetaren. Hvor er du fra? Min mann er fra Sunnmore. Du kan skrive til meg pa Suzanne @ rorhus. com.