12.22.2006

HH Com 321

February, and Brian is seconds away from blowing his brains out on the bank of the Hudson. He's saved when Faelin makes him an offer, study the "art" as her pupil and he'll find something worth living for.

Faelin is the perfect teacher, a paragon in her group, the Nameless, utterly devoted to her students, and aware of what not to say. When Ravine, a member of a rival faction, demands to be accepted as one of Faelin's pupils, Brian's life depends on her agreement. Is he willing to risk the life of the woman who gave him a reason to live in order to save himself?

Everything that makes life worth living, connections between people, passions for hobbies, all of it belongs to the "art." For generations the Hunters have pursued and executed the Nameless for alleged abuses of the art, but Faelin is determined to bring the Feud to an end. Set mostly in the interior of Maine, Fraetorii is the tale of the struggle for peace between the two groups. If Faelin is the perfect teacher, can she turn Ravine, and the Hunters, into the perfect students?


This is like looking at a 3D movie without the glasses. I recognize there are words and sentences; even a glimmer of a story but nothing looks quite right.

For starters: why does Brian's life depend on Faelin accepting Ravine (a name you need to jettison at once ) as a student? Is Ravine holding a gun to his/her/it's head? Please, say no to Ravine; let's see some good old fashioned mayhem.

This is unfocused and awash in platitudes.

4 comments:

Mark said...

That and I'm against any band of art enforcement vigilante thugs in "interior" Maine where I was raised. This doesn't even happen in Castle Rock on a bad night in winter.

Inkwolf said...

What's "the art" and why are there rival gangs who practice it? The art of magic? Prayer? Theft? Voodoo? Eavesdropping? Bonsai kitten making? Finger painting?

Without that vital detail, there's no way to tell what this book is...

dancinghorse said...

I grew up in central Maine, and WTF?

We need to know the following in order to begin to understand what this is about: What is the Art? Who are the Nameless? Why do they have names if they're nameless? Why are their names so peculiar? In that part of Maine, they'd more likely be called something like Maurice Levasseur or Debbie LaCroix. Probably the story would have something to do with drug-dealing on Lisbon Street or cabin fever in the North Woods. Or, possibly, werewolves.

Anonymous said...

Not to be obnoxious, but this author needs to learn that there's more to punctuation than just the comma. There are em-dashes, colons, and semicolons. All would have a place in this hook, and commas are not just "one choice", but the wrong choice.

--A former editor (who's heard that agents other than Miss Snark care a lot about grammar)