12.22.2006

HH Com 323 (322 is toasted)

February 1779, the war in North America does not go well for Britain. At sea the strength of the Royal Navy has been blunted by a war of small fast ships, while on land the corruption and incompetence of the military government have allowed a handful of rebel troops to hobble an army.

John Sinclair is a senior captain, a man well used to service in difficult conditions, but haunted by past demons. William Mason is a young loyalist commander determined to do his duty to King and Country. Tara is the beautiful young woman that connects them both. When the two men meet in the North Atlantic their lives become intertwined by a web of French intrigue. **splat***A web that threatens to destroy all that both hold dear.

But duty is still duty and whether in London’s squalid back alleys or the blood stained New York countryside it demands no less than the fullest measure of devotion that they have to give.

You were sailing merrily along until the splat. Good specifics, sense of time place and character then splat with "a web that threatens to destroy all that both hold dear". no no.
Be specific.

2 comments:

John Stevens said...

Thank you, Miss Snark. I have already revised this hook to avoid the splat. A fairly easy fix actually, but it needed a fresh viewpoint to see it. Once again thanks for doing this.

HawkOwl said...

I was loving it until the love story. Anything with the Royal Navy is easy to sell to me - unless there is a love story.

Good luck with it.