12.22.2006

HH Com 337

In July of 1917, recently widowed Katie Bayne is jailed under false charges. Her children are locked away in the County Home. Only one price will secure their freedom: custody of Katie’s newborn son.

Irena Ashton Bayne, Katie’s mother-in-law, is intent on raising the boy. Having lost her own son, first to estrangement and then to death, Irena fixes the blame to Katie. She is determined to groom Katie’s son to replace her own. In truth, Irena’s ruthless business practices are responsible for the alienation of her son. Founder of Ashton, a coal boomtown, Irena has long nursed a grudge against miners for the suspicious death of her father.

Katie is drawn to the center of unionization efforts when her fight to reclaim her baby entwines with the strife of the Ashton miners. She confronts the escalating wrath of Irena Ashton Bayne and garners the affection of a devoted ally. Katie must overcome grief and discover her own true strength in order to reunite her family and explore the possibility of a new love.


Monster In Law meets Norma Rae.

You'd do better to make this not a newborn but a teen age son; one who could actually be "groomed to take the place of". You have a newborn, you have diapers and 18 years before you can get much work out of them.

How did a womn found a coal town in 1917? You know women couldn't even own property in some states at that time so there's more to this than "founder of a coal town" reveals. One of the members of the founding family perhaps.

And if she's a business woman, I assure you she's learned to use charm to get her way. Don't you think she'd be more likely to try to woo the son away than go to all the trouble of locking up his ma?

These are the things that skitter through my mind when I read query letters. It's not so much did you follow a template, but do you have all the ingrediants for the story ( you don't) and does what you tell me make sense (it doesn't).

1 comment:

Virginia Miss said...

I found some of this writing clunky. For one thing, there are too many prepositional phrases. "the blame to Katie."... "the alienation of her son."... "death of her father." ... "Wrath of Irena" ... "affection of a devoted ally."