12.22.2006

HH Com 355

Jack McDermott looked out over the Montana farmland. He never tired of the view, and the way the fields bled into the foothills. From his position in the open loft of Charlie's barn, he could see for miles. He then glanced around at the men on either side of him, men he knew and trusted as true friends. Finally, he gazed down at the six hooded figures spread out below them.

"What we do, we do in the name of humanity and the Lord."

As soon as Jack finished these words, he raised his rifle, as did the men flanking him. Although unsure of exactly how many times this scene had played out, his anger and emotion never diminished. As the guns echoed, each hooded figure in turn fell silent.

Jack's mind could only see his sister, each black hood a reflection of her last terrified moments. He held no regret, nor any solace.

As the shots echoed away, a soft voice emerged from one of the bodies, a brief and final
sigh for mercy. Rifles were again raised in unison, and amid the deafening sound the body went limp. But no one noticed that Jack never pulled his trigger.

This isn't a hook. This is a first page. It's not bad but I'd rather read a hook to get a sense of what's going on here.

3 comments:

Virginia Miss said...

I liked the writing here, except for one sentence He held no regret, nor any solace.

Do you mean "he had no regret, received no solace"?

Good luck constructing your hook.

shannon said...

Well as an excerpt it certainly makes you want to know "what the hell is going on?" - in a positive way. Jack sounds like a sadistic bastard (complex main character is a good start).

Does "although unsure of exactly how many times this scene had played out" mean that he's been killing girls before this? See, I'm confused. And if this is from the actual manuscript, you might want to tighten the wording. Then write an actual hook and try to get it published so I can find out what the hell is going on!

Anonymous said...

First paragraph: he looks, sees, and gazes.

Bravo for avoiding word reps, but you can tighten that up considerable, pard.

Read some Clair Huffaker. Sadly out of print, but the best westerns I've ever read.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clair_Huffaker