HH com 368

REVENGE IN SULAMAR is an erotic fantasy/romance complete at 65,000 words.

Tamar, a proud young aristocrat in the city of Talgar, impulsively buys Fazil, a handsome slave being sold at auction. Fazil is a spy from the enemy city of Sulamar who is trying to find out where the Talgarian royal treasury keeps its store of gold. Tamar hates all men from Sulamar for their past attacks on Talgar, and she does not allow her attraction to Fazil to sway her. Instead, she treats him cruelly, provoking him and humiliating him in front of her lover. When Fazil learns where the gold is kept, he escapes and leads a raid to capture it, taking Tamar prisoner. In Sulamar, he forces her to submit to him and makes her his slave. Despite her shame and humiliation, Fazil gives her more pleasure than any man she has known. Still, she longs to return home until learns that she has been sentenced to death in Talgar because she is considered to be a traitor and blamed for the raid. In despair, Tamar tries to kill Fazil but fails. He sends her away to be a servant to his aunt in a remote village. There, Tamar comes to realize that she loves Fazil, and when he comes back for her later, she is overjoyed. But then she overhears him tell his aunt that her death sentence in Talgar has been lifted by the King who now realizes her innocence. In the end, Tamar must choose between her devotion to Talgar and the man she loves.

This isn't a hook, it's a synopsis. It's not a hook because it's not compelling and enticing. Don't ever send this in a query letter, ok?

Start over. Less is more.


Divine Bird said...

What bugs me is that she decides she loves him after he makes her his slave. Gah.

I'm all for romance between former enemies, but it squicks me when it happens only after the guy humiliates the girl. It smacks of the old 'ah know he beats me but ah love him' trope. What about being a slave was so great that she decides he's the man for her?

Anonymous said...

At least this one isn't about killer orgasms or slave breeders. It seems more readable by comparison. But oh so cheesy! And predictable. Way too predictable.

Not one I'd read, unless it managed the more sophisticated, philosophical tones of Jacqueline Carey.

Anonymous said...

While the primo sex scenes designed for a select audience will save the plotline? You lost me with the names. Gosh durn it, I wanna see a fantasy sex slave with the name of Becky or Debra!

chanceofbooks said...

He's a slave, then She's a slave, she has to choose between man and country--these are overdone themes even in erotica--the writing's going to have to be REALLY enticing to overcome the cliche's. Focus less on world building and show us the heat.

Anonymous said...

No offense meant to the author, but as a person, I'm sick of books about slaves that glorify slavery.
Half the real world enslaves the other half horribly and it's disgusting. It's 2006 going onto '07, and I can't believe we still live like this.

Just about every country in the world has child sex slave rings, sweatshop labor camps, or some other form of oppression.
Maybe we can't stop humanitarian abuses throughout the globe, but we can stop this rotten literary trend if we try.

Anonymous said...

I can see how much thought you've given each sentence. That is, unfortunately, part of the problem. It might help you to start again and write the hook as QUICKLY AS YOU CAN with a little tease and a surprising way of phrasing the end.

I guess I say that assuming you have something worth while in the story. I couldn't focus on it because you have it so compressed.

good luck