12.23.2006

HH Com 370

Cathleen Carrington is happily married, runs her own business, and enjoys a good life, but she’s never been able to forget her past. When her husband loses his job, and her mother becomes critically ill, she’s finally able to return to her hometown. There, she searches
for the grave of her One True Love, and literally awakens the ghosts of her past. Now she must choose between the man she married, AND the one who died twenty years before.

This isn't a hook. It's description of plot.

There's a huge flaw in the logic here if you want her to be sympathetic: she's happily married so when her husband loses his job she leaves him to go to her home town (where I assume the sick mother is)?

And are you really telling me her dillemma is choosing between a ghost and real guy. I mean unemployed is one thing but the guy isn't non-corporeal.

and "finally able" implies a barrier of some sort...what?

Start over.

8 comments:

Michele said...

I have some questions about the story, which perhaps could go into the hook:

* What's so special about the dead guy that makes him Catherine's "one true love"?

* How has he come back from the dead? Was he not really dead? Or is he undead (and either vampire or zombie)?

* Why couldn't she go back home for all this time?

shannon said...

The bit that got me was the last line "now she must choose between the man she married and the one who died twenty years before."

Not much of a competition, I would think. It's hard to have a meaningful relationship with a corpse, or a grave, or an urn. Or even a ghost. (That's been done before, it's stale.)

Why did she have to wait till her husband lost his job before she could visit her ailing mother? It would make more sense if SHE was the one with a high-powered job and no time for mummy.

Southern Writer said...

Thank you, Miss Snark! You must have the holiday spirit to let me off that easily.

Are you going to open the gift in your mailbox?

kitty said...

This reminds me of the 70s Bazilian movie, Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands.

Southern Writer said...

Kitty - that's interesting. I've never seen that film, but I think I will now. I knew I wrote a lousy hook the first day I started reading them, but maybe not so lousy that you didn't get it. (grin) Thanks!

littlebirdblue said...

I think there are people who will be attracted to the concept of a love which is so all-consuming that it transcends time and corporeal status (The Time Traveler's Wife found a huge audience, for example...).

Anonymous said...

Think consequence. Because this happens, that happens. That, of course, causes this other thing to occur.

What you've written is barely connected. I wish I could remember that well known book on screenwriting. Who wrote that thing? McGee? McKees? Anyway, it explains this perfectly.

Southern Writer said...

Hi Anonymous. Admittedly, I took Miss Snark's advice on 12 /11 a bit too seriously, I think:

Crapometer clues

Book Daddy, the newest book blog at Arts Journal, has a write up on best books. It's interesting for its own sake but also as an example of talking about a book in a few choice words. Check it out!

I wrote a better one (I think), afterwards, but I doubt Miss Snark will appreciate it if I spam her blog.

And thank you Littlebluebird. You so totally got it.