12.23.2006

HH Com 377

Rachel Christensen is a new member of the Damsels in Distress, an elite group of women who have dedicated their lives to the training of heros; through the art of self endangerment. She trained for years on Earth, before being sent to Alern, a world just beginning its age of legends. Rachel disguises herself as one of Queen Amelia of Talera’s handmaidens in order to be close to her potential hero, prince Cedric. He is a charming, handsome man who is incapable of committing to any one lady.

Rachel allows herself to be caught by bandits to test Cedric’s fighting abilities, and ends up saving his life instead. She attempts to teach him humility by ignoring him, but he mistakes her intent and convinces himself that it is a clever ploy to get his attention. The most imperfect handmaidens begin to disappear, ensuring the most beautiful and talented bride for the prince.

Rachel believes she may be the next victim.

Her stitching is atrocious, she is far from docile, and she isn’t afraid to tell the prince what she thinks of him. She also fears that Cedric himself may be behind the disappearances, and that her training may have made him a more dangerous man. With her life at risk, Rachel begins to wonder if there is true wisdom in entering the dragon’s lair on purpose, instead of by accident.

Well, this is a fun idea but you need to sharpen the focus more. I'd want to see more about Cedric and what happens if he turns out to be non-heroic? Does she lose her merit badge.

Is there any reason this has to be on a different planet suddenly? Maybe Superman was trained by a DiD.

9 comments:

Virginia Miss said...

Fun idea!

to focus, pare and re-arrange some of these sentences. Here's a suggestion -- and of course you'll want to add the bits Miss Snark mentioned, too:

Rachel Christensen is a new member of the Damsels in Distress, an elite group of women who have dedicated their lives to the training of heros--through the art of self endangerment. She disguises herself as one of the queen’s handmaidens in order to be close to her potential hero, prince Cedric, a charming, handsome guy who’s incapable of committing to any one lady.

Rachel’s stitching is atrocious, she is far from docile, and she isn’t afraid to tell the prince what she thinks of him. She allows herself to be caught by bandits to test Cedric’s fighting abilities, but ends up saving his life instead.

When some handmaidens begin to disappear, Rachel believes she may be the next victim. She also fears that Cedric himself may be behind the disappearances, and that her training may have made him a more dangerous man. With her life at risk, Rachel begins to wonder if there is true wisdom in entering the dragon’s lair on purpose, instead of by accident.

Ms Molly said...

I think this is a really cute idea, but if I were picking it up at the bookstore there had better be something that tells me why these ladies are working undercover to create male heroes, instead of just doing the heroics themselves. The idea of an undercover hero-creating organization: awesome. The fact that the heroes it creates are exclusively male: less so.

Anonymous said...

Oh, gak.

Why can't the dames be the superheroines? Why do the guys get all the fun?

Bleep that, I'm watching my Xena DVDs again.

Kit Whitfield said...

I'm with Ms Molly. It's a fun idea, but an elite undercover agent can clearly look after herself: why is she encouraging legends that imply women can't? She knows that helpless-damsel thing is wrong, yet she peddles it all day. And the explanation can't be 'All legends begin with helpless damsels and develop from there' if, according to you, legends begin with real things taking place: by the system you've set up, Rachel could found a world on a legend about a giant anteater rescuing a top hat from the ravages of a mad topiarist if she wanted to - all she has to do is bring the hat, borrow some shears and have a quiet word in the anteater's ear, and boom, a legend is born. What gives?

Come on, make up a reason. Based on your most entertaining hook, I'm sure you can do it if you put your mind to it. :-)

Inkwolf said...

I don;t didagree with what the others say: but I think this sounds like a potentially amusing read.

Number 377 said...

First of all, thank you very much, Miss Snark! I like your point on Superman...:D (And the consequences of what happens if Cedric turns out to be Non Heroic...)

Thanks for that, Virginia Miss! I am very new to writing hooks, and yours flows much better than mine!

Ms Molly: Thank you for your comment! The Damsels started out in medieval times, when women were oppressed. They chose to changethe world the best they knew how, by influencing the men in power. (Most men in fairytales and great legends treated women with respect...or learned to!)

There have, of course, been several instances where the selected hero simply wasn't as talented as his Damsel, and she ended up doing the work for him. Rachel's on her first mission, so this isn't the case with her...yet.

As to exclusively male, in the first book, Rachel's hero is Cedric. The world is in its "medieval" stage, and highly resembles Earth's. (The Damsels have theories that it was influenced by people either entering hte Bermuda triangle, portals, or the many lost cities of Earth.)

Also, perhaps the Dudes in Danger need something to do. ;)

Anon: As I said, there are instances in which the Damsels do the heroics themselves. :)

Kit:

"I'm with Ms Molly. It's a fun idea, but an elite undercover agent can clearly look after herself: why is she encouraging legends that imply women can't? She knows that helpless-damsel thing is wrong, yet she peddles it all day."

Yes, Rachel can take care of herself quite well. And she attempts to fit into a medieval society as best she can...but only until Cedric's high opinion of himself drives her crazy enough to tell him that he's only an average fencer at best, and proceeds to beat him in a duel. Once he gets over the wound to his pride, he asks her to train him.

Rachel was chosen for him because she is a modern American women who is incapable of seeing herself as less than a man's equal. If she can get the prince to see that, he has the power to change the ways women are treated and viewed. That's only part of her mission, obviously, but it's what I intend. (Assuming he isn't the villian.)

The Damsels don't always suceed in creating legends, because they have failed many times. They study situations that could have potential trouble, and work on the person who is in the best position to stop it.

cm allison said...

Author:
your comment entries made your book more interesting to me. Might want to see if you can work in to your hook the mention that the "Damsels" also educate their chosen heros understanding and respect for the woman's viewpoint. THEN it may well tempt me also. Damels in distress being rescued by a man never grabbed me even as a child.

MaryF said...

This is so the kind of book I love!

andregirl said...

As long as you don't promise a bodice ripping, a chest heaving, or a velvet kiss on the back cover, I would buy this book the moment I saw it.

The DiD don't have to me COMPLETELY politically correct, because, if they were, the complete obviousness of it all would annoy me.

But you bet your smelling salts those DiD's better be spunky!