12.23.2006

HH Com 390

Olivia is arrested after having been found trespassing on the alien overlord's land. She soon finds herself in a sadistic prison run by demented guards and occupied by even crazier prisoners. At first, those things seem bad enough, but then she soon learns the true horror of the prison: a sentient, mind-controlling metal which attaches itself to her body; and slowly begins to take over her mind and soul.

Will Olivia find herself strong enough to combat the physical and mental hardships she now finds herself faced with? Or will she just give herself up to the darkness? In the dark, all are equal.

She's becoming one withe the Borg? I hear resistance is futile.

You need to give us a better sense of the plot and the actual antagonist. Is it "the metal"? Does it arrive playing Twisted Sister at full volume?

Get all your elements out on the table: xy and z. Then start again.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

"...Is it "the metal"? Does it arrive playing Twisted Sister at full volume?..."

Actually, it's playing W.A.S.P.'s "Skinwalker"!

Anonymous said...

pretty girl, "Captain Kirk, it's the Tribinium."

Kirk, "I said dig!"

Yeah, that and the Borg. It's going to have to be real subtle not to get intertwined with those, for those of us that are Sci-Fi and Fantasy fans, and that is you audience by the way. Maybe if you got into the specifics of what the metal did, if that was different enough from "The Borg" type influence, then it would work better, but I don't know how you do that and keep the hook short at the same time.

writtenwyrdd said...

Perhaps read Way of the Pilgrim by Gordon R. Dickson for an excellent rendition of an insider's view of aliens. The protag infiltrates them, learns ot understand them...much like your protag. And he ultimately causes their downfall.

Your story description could work, since it's all in the writing; but the query blurb lacks something fresh to grab our attention away from the Borg resemblance.

Inkwolf said...

You might also want to check out The Silver Crown, by Robert C. O'Brien. It involves a sort of criminal-training school where everyone's minds are controlled by a black metal.

Poshcat said...

Oh, Miss Snark. Your comments are more enjoyable than any hook. Have you ever thought about writing? ::pokes you with a stick::

Ciel said...

I'm so happy when I see a Star Trek joke ;D I know, I know...I'm a geek.

You're very right Miss Snark, there's too much of a Borg theme. It was awsome in Trek and it's been done in a lot of fiction as well and it's gonna take a really original spin and great writing to pull it off. Those of us who read the genre will only roll our eyes otherwise.

word verfication: Meleee - god knows I'm made that mispelling too many times...