12.23.2006

HH Com 394

I said unto you when you were in your own blood, Live.

Emily McPherson was special. She had been swept up from the meaningless wasteland of nothingness by the Ultimate Authority, and had been taken into His very bosom. But Emily couldn’t be content just looking down upon her fellow discarded souls. She had a longing to go to them – to help them – to do something – anything. The problem was; what could she do? She was only a teen, and alone: And that world down there. It was full of Scrogens: Horrible death-dealing Scrogens.

Justin St. Clair had found the love of his life, he was certain of it. Everything about Emily cried out for him to take her in his arms and love her. She awoke passions in him that hadn’t been stirred since the realization that his sixteenth birthday, his age of un-accountability, was fast approaching and the man that he had been was tracking fast back into adolescence. Could he bear to let her track on into adulthood without him? Was he willing to fast track so that he could reverse the regression, at least for a little while? But the cost; was he willing to pay the cost? To fast track would send him on to end track: Bag and tag and he was done. Was it worth it – One lifetime instead of countless others? And if he chose to continue on his track’s natural course, could he protect his beloved from THE BACK TRACK CONSPIRACIES?


Here, have some pruning shears.
Now go read the post on XYX.
Start over.
And for dog's sake think of something other than "scrogens" to use as a name.
I'm not sure this even reaches the standard of mess.

13 comments:

heidi said...

I see elements of a possibly good plot, with nods to the SFF supertext.

Right now it sounds like a romance novel, and nobody names a romance novel The [anything] Conspiracies.

You need to hint a little more what the stakes are for Emily and not just a failed love affair.

Anonymous said...

Uh, yup, Miss Snark is right about the scrotums. I'm so confused about what you're trying to achive, that I'm not sure my own response is going to make sense. I got the sense that she's in heaven, and that, for some reason, being a certain age has some significance there. He's a soul that's in love with her and he gives up that eternal soul for her. It comes off as puppy-lovish when I don't think you mean it to do that.

skybluepinkrose said...

Okay, I get the quote from Ezekiel.

Emily has had an Enoch experience? I don't buy that she wants to come back, even if that's open to her. It's too unbelievably pious.

Do the Scrogens (DO change that name) make people live in reverse -- from whatever age they are now back to infancy and then poof? Why? Is that what's going on with Justin? And he doesn't want to be going backwards in age while Emily is going forwards? Does Emily go back partly because of him? Or do they not meet until Emily goes back to Earth, because beforehand Justin would have been too old for her? Toward the end I'm getting lost, but Justin reminds me of the boy from TUCK EVERLASTING.

This is interesting, but doesn't sound very cohesive right now. Good luck with it.

Anonymous said...

I got lost in all the tracks.

"tracking fast back "
"let her track on"
"willing to fast track"
"To fast track would send him..."
"... on to end track:"
"continue on his track’s"

And the big kahuna:

"THE BACK TRACK"

Enough already.

j.c.

Writerious said...

Emily sounds like a real Mary Sue. But since Justin sounds like a Gary Stu, I guess they go together.

Anonymous said...

Ouch.

Book is much more cohesive than all that. Thanks for the input. Back to the drawing board.

Scrogen, "To be dwarfed, to be cut off."

Me...

Anonymous said...

Writerious,

I admit that the hook sucked. I'm hoping that you have my characters wrong though. Thanks for the links. The profiles that you presented are worth considering and revising as necessary.

heidi said...

S'okay, 'nonymouse. We aren't all geniuses all the time.

I'm surprised nobody mentioned Merlin.

jamiehall said...

"Scrogens" makes me think scrotums.

Um, so a dead teen is alive again and everyone is aging backwards? And God is a character? I'm not even sure I'm reading that much right.

I'm just confused.

Michele said...

One of my problems with the hook was that the two halves (her story and his) seemed to be from to different types of stories.

In the first half, I thought that she had been brought to heaven, and is looking down on mortals. It seems like it might be a ghost story or story about an angel.

In the second half, I'm not sure if it's a science fiction story. It seems like at 16 or some people are on a path to become an adult, and that she will become an adult (which seems at odds with the first half). It seems like he is not on this path (perhaps a path to become an immortal? or to live life forever in "neverland"? or to become a fairy?) and will give up his eternity for her.

I'd like this hook to be a little more clear and specific about what's going on, so that I'm not left confused and trying to puzzle it out.

Miss Audrey said...

Just in case anyone is interested enough to see if I'd clarify any of this mess...

For one, I'm Audrey. The reaction from Miss Snark had me pretty much in hiding. Who wouldn't? LOL I'm okay, I bounce back pretty good most times. I had the snarkiness coming. I had wandered off and loved the angle that I had chosen and forgot that I'm not in Kansas anymore.

Emily is an aborted fetus. Everyone on my created planet are the same. "The Ultimate Authority" gave them all a new beginning. Emily went to Longevity to be with her people because of social injustices that she had witnessed as a member of 'The Counsel'.

On Longevity the people are trackers. They are either tracking towards the end of their lives, or they are tracking back from the end of their lives. A fresh tracker is someone that has backtracked and is now in infancy. A first tracker is someone on their maiden track, having been born by a tracker. A fast tracker is someone who chooses the fast track and thus has to end track instead of backtracking when they get to the end of the current track. A prebacktracker is someone who chooses not to die, but to become a backtracker instead. In that case they end their track when they reach the age of unborn.

A Scrogen is someone that sends a loved one on to their new track without the benefit of living out their natural days. Once you scrog someone you then turn into a giant grass hopper and you have to wear the name of the person that you scrogged on your back.

The conspiracies are that there is an organization that is encouraging trackers to fast track and to preback track and to scrog grannie.

It's only a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I'm dealing with hard hearts and social injustices in a pretty cut and dry way. It took me over 33,000 words just to get to the light. (The Ultimate Authority put his light in Emily.) Not such a fluffy read as I portrayed. My bad.

Anonymous said...

Dont let the naysayers get you down.
People don't understand what they haven't yet read the full context of.
c

Anonymous said...

OK, here's all the help I can offer:

In the hook, I thought it was a trite, over-written romance (I don't read those).

In your clarification, it's a more well-thought-out, complex world and set of circumstances (good for you... now make your hook reflect your intelligence), but still a genre I wouldn't read.

Question. "Emily is an aborted fetus" (actually, I wasn't, but that's not the point) leads me to believe this is right-wing xtian stuff. If so, it would be smart to add that.