12.23.2006

HH Com 400

Iowan Marnie Miller came to L.A. to write (and, okay, maybe to escape ridicule for being named for her town's first organic dairy cow.) So what if her first paid job is penning the Web site musings of C-list sci-fi star Hill Valley, a ditsy, implant-laden narcissist who loses publicists faster than she can lob bottles of Fiji Water at them?

Soon Marnie's embroiled in a love triangle -- or maybe a square – with ultra-talented young director Aaron Rook; rugged and finally back on his game actor Brayden Geneseo and a mystery fan, who might really be wooing Hill – and her vinyl spacesuit.

What Marnie saw as a first writing job now has Hill Valley in competition for Celebrity of the Year, not to mention heartbroken, drunk and sleeping on Marnie's couch. All's fair in love and war – so why's Hollywood exempt?


too many people, too many little clever phrases, you're awash in cute and you've missed telling me much about anything.

"all's fair in love and war"??? surely we can think of a better way to describe a dilemma.

12 comments:

Virginia Miss said...

I loved the first line but by the middle of the second paragraph I got mired down in the words.

blaironaleash said...

Fairly clearly fun though. I would buy it expecting a laugh and a half.

Anonymous said...

I had to re-read the cow line and I'm not sure what Fiji water is, but, by the time I got to the narcissist sleeping on the couch, I thought it could be pretty good. I think the hook needs work, but the book could be fantastic.

Brady Westwater said...

For once, I didn't mind the use of cliches; they work with the terrain. And a wee bit more of the hook would be useful, agreed - but I'd still read those pages.

writtenwyrdd said...

I also got mired in the language. It came across as tryign to hard, and the cliches actually fogged up your meaning for me.

I think that this would be a breezy chicklit or light comedy with humor galore. It could also be a dark comedy.

Perhaps tell us what makes this different, not just throw character traits at us?

Anonymous said...

Hill Valley is rather well known in S.F. circles as the setting for the Back to the Future series.

If your actress must be C-list, make it for horror films, not S.F. We geeks have had enough grief. We're COOL now. If we weren't you wouldn't have that really nifty machine with the keyboard and its surrounding junk.

Katharine Swartz said...

I thought this was pretty lively--it did come across as trying too hard to me as well, but I find most chiclit/humourous type books do that. There are some very popular authors out there--published ones--who are a little too clever with their phrasing. That seems to sell. Still, perhaps if you cut out a few of the clever & cute phrases and stuck to what really works--the characters and the plot--you'd have something here.

I Said said...

Take the comments seriously, author. We're saying that your novel possibly holds a lot of promise, but you got carried away on this "hook" by trying to throw some oddball questions in that while interesting, were too vague and scattered to give an agent a glimpse of the solid story behind the letter. There's a point at which intrigueing becomes annoying and makes the agent wary. You owe it to your book to do a super letter on it. Good luck!

Clarice Snarkling said...

I read this hook out loud (my husband, though not a writer, is getting a big kick out of the COM and asks me to read a couple hooks every time I'm online), and I got bogged down by the long, description-filled sentences. Your story interests me, author -- it's so different from the other stuff we've read on here lately. I feel like there are short, clear, catchy sentences in your hook, but that they're buried under a lot of unnecessary clothes. Best of luck with your revisions -- I'd be interested to read your first pages.

Anonymous said...

did the fiji water thing come from sarah silverman?

jamiehall said...

The first paragraph is snappy and interesting. The others lost me. Lost my interest, and also my comprehension. What is going on again? And how does it link up with events in the first paragraph? Clear things up, and this could be a killer hook.

Anonymous said...

Fiji is a brand of bottled water, like Evian.