12.24.2006

HH Com 401

I love watching Digger's profile as he drives. Fascinating angles, shadows
and curves. I’m curled up in the seat, mesmerized, back pressed against the
car door. Mentally I trace his features, feathering in eyebrows and lashes and
the tickly hair on his lip and chin. Pale curls surround his face like a holy aura.
I have this same image in my sketchbook, drawn in pen and ink. Some day I'll
sculpt his likeness in clay. I could mold Dig's face blindfolded. How many times
have my hands traced him in the dark?

He sees me watching and flashes a sexy grin. A warm rush ignites and I’m all
melty inside. This must be love, because I feel this way even when I'm not high.
Digger's face shimmers sapphire, and brilliant red. Now it's back to a glittering
sapphire jewel. WHOOOP! A siren razor-cuts through music, pierces skin, vibrates
my bones. I twist in the seat A cruiser. Digger snaps the radio off and pulls the car
onto the berm. Eyes jump from the rearview mirror to me. "Stay cool," he says quietly.
Cop door thuds. Boots crunch on gravel. Dig pulls the stash out of his pocket and
stuffs the baggie down my pants. Fifty hits of ecstasy. I know exactly how many
there are because I'm the one who counted them.

"Hold this for me baby. You're a juvie, they won't do nothing to you."
He's looking at me all soft and creamy. "Please?"
Anything for Digger.


This isn't a hook, it's a first page. Nice sense of impending doom, but you'll need a hook.

4 comments:

Ski said...

Maybe it's not a hook but it sure had me. Then again I'm not the one trying to figure out if it's marketable. I supose that's the big difference here. I'd sure love to offer some sage advice - but I'm so lousy at this that if I did you'd be well served to head in the opposite direction.

Rgds........Ski

Anonymous said...

I like the writing. I'd have to reserve judgement as to whether I'd pick it up or not until I saw more of the plot though. With something like this, there's the danger that it will all be just a series of repetitive, taking the fall for the louse that uses the kid. If you've got a good twist to the plot, I'd buy it.

Anonymous said...

Author here. I realized the error of my ways after the first day of reading the HH Crapometer entries. I didn't send a hook. I sent the opening of my YA novel.
Thanks for the comments and encouragement. Some day I'll get back into query mode. I know in my heart that Jade's experience in rehab will relate to a lot of teenagers.
#401

Anonymous said...

This is YA?

I'm lost. I've guessed and been wrong in the other direction, but that was due to bad writing (which yours isn't).

I know I was a hopelessly geeky teenager and all, but I'm shocked that, even in 2007, this could be thought of as YA.

--(Mentally upping the age at which my 8-year-old can read YA books)