12.24.2006

HH Com 404

Hayden Cohen always had a knack for computers. In fact her technical abilities got her noticed by the CIA, and introduced her to her husband, Ben. After relocating to Sao Paulo, Brazil for "business" an unexpected houseguest ruins Hayden's happily ever after. Suddenly Ben has been murdered and Hayden is left to pick up the pieces. Back in the States she's forced to mourn in silence and searches to find a job, which won't remind her of her past life. Working as an office assistant for ADRASTEIA, a busy financial services company downtown turns out to be more mysterious than Hayden ever dreamed possible. Old habits die-hard and Hayden's curiosity and computer prowess lead her and one of the company's up-and-coming new finance guys, Devon, to unravel a deadly secret that may have killed her husband. Hayden and Devon begin to piece together the evidence and uncover the chilling fact that Ben may still be alive and be working for the enemy. As Hayden and Devon get closer to learning the truth, they realize that some secrets are worth killing for.

"forced to mourn in silence"??
"knack for computers" now becomes an "office assistant"??

Phrases that make me reach for the SASE:
deadly secret
chilling fact

this is just formless blather. Start over. Be specific. Focus.

3 comments:

jamiehall said...

Is it being implied that the "unexpected houseguest" killed Ben? Otherwise, that part is just confusing.

Anonymous said...

There are enough hints of something cool going on that I'd want to see a synopsis, but I can see that an agent that has to get through 50 queries a day and still get to the business of taking care of existing clients would probably pass on this because the hook's not specific enough. I think many of us suffer from the same fear of revealing too much, and trying to fit too much "writing" into the hook.

Anonymous said...

I know Miss Snark doesn't care, but your punctuation (specifically where you use commas and where you don't) is doing your writing a big disservice.

Get people to proof anything you send to an agent or editor if you're not a pro editor yourself. (And even if you are, if you want it to be correct.)